Best Clients Poems
I’ve picked it up a hundred times
yet dropped it just once more
So I give up, the blasted thing
can lay there on the floor
And stepping out onto the porch
I hit the ice and slipped
As I walked back into the house
I stubbed my toe and tripped
While dancing round in pain
I then collided with a table
For when it comes to graceful moves
I’m really quite unstable
Perhaps there is a simple way
to turn this all around
My clumsiness could work for me
each time I hit the ground
I could be a klutz for hire
stumbling for cash
I’ll charge my clients by the slip
the flip, the flop, the bash
If you need something dropped and broken
clearly I’m your man
If anyone can smash your stuff
this klutz for hire can
Perhaps you have a wall or door
that needs a good hard thump
Just be aware my going rate
is seven bucks per lump
I could knock your sister down
or trip into your aunt
Or I can make a great big mess
and kick your potted plant
And if your pets are underfoot
and adding to the drama
I’ll have to charge you extra
if I suffer blunt force trauma
There’s nothing quite as comical
and what a sight to see
as goldfish bouncing on the floor
It is my specialty
And when I fall I scream out loud
to add to the effect
I’ll see you get your money’s worth
when your whole house is wrecked
So call my number any time
My estimates are free
It’s 1-800-S T U-
M B L and E
© Mike Wise
1/30/19
Categories:
clients, hilarious, humorous,
Form:
Rhyme
Hi! I'm Alan
the astrologer
I used to be
a mythologer
Here's the forecast
for tonight
I'm sure you'll see
I've got it right
The stars are green
The moon is pink
The North Star is
on the blink
Venus is
out to dinner
On her diet
Mars looks thinner
Jupiter's
a god of Rome
Saturn's rings
are made of foam
The Milky Way's
a candy bar
The sun's too big
to be a star
Pluto is
a goofy mutt
Uranus has
a charming butt
These true facts
I tell my clients
All MY predictions ~
based on science
Categories:
clients, planet, science, silly, stars,
Form:
Light Verse
OLD MA.
Old Ma always gave the kids a nice treat
Always nuts and never anything sweet
But they soon found out why
Nuts were in great supply
Choc nut bars she'd only suck cos no teeth...
NO HIDING PLACE.
An old gangster robbed a bank and he ran
Flew out from Canada then onto Japan
The Mounties tracked him down
In old Tokyo Town
He was caught cos they always get their man...
A WARDROBE MALFUNCTION
Went to a posh restaurant called Vicars
A girl walked out the loo, there were titters
Her face turned a bright red
At what's every girls dread
She'd gone and tucked her dress down her knickers...
DOMINATRIX.
A dominatrix from the state of Maine
Enjoyed hanky panky out in the rain
She'd use a leather fetter
T'would shrink as it got wetter
And her clients would pass out with the pain..
A FRIEND IN NEED.
The outback two mates went to catch a 'roo
One got cut short and said "I need the loo"
A spider crawled up his knee
As he was starting to pee
And bit him hard on his digeridoo...
His mate phoned the flying doctor who said
"Suck out the Poison if it has turned red"
He thought to himself no way
His mate said "well what's he say?"
He said "in 'bout half an hour you'll be dead" ...
LOST THEIR WAY. For Gershon Wolf
Geese flew south they were honking and hinking
Snow storm came they were blinded and blinking
They had no way of knowing
Where the hell they were going
To see them sway you'd think they'd been drinking...
Written 21st October 2020.
Categories:
clients, humor,
Form:
Limerick
For Andrea’s contest
Show me the Funny (part two)
Eskimo Nell & the Door Repair Man
Now Eskimo Nell
Has a story to tell
A tale, about my last visit
Into her igloo
I went through and through
Though this entrance I’m told is illicit
She said, “Just for you
That one will do
Coz the wind, it chills to the core
Me back gets stone froze
When whoever, God knows
Is hammering, at the front door”
I told her, “Thank you”
And with no more ado
I slammed that back door with some might
I was grateful to seize
Some relief from the freeze
And discover it fitted so tight
She said she was pleased
That it had come un-seized
For some of her clients she thought
Preferred the back door
Where nobody saw
They were doing what they hadn’t ought
“I’d keep it well oiled
Coz you don’t want it spoiled
As it sure gets a great deal of use
So if it gets dry
You’ll find standing by
This bottle of lubricant juice”
Then the bolt was so stiff
Which was nothing diff
So plenty of juice I applied
Coz I’d known from before
It could give you a sore
If the bolt did not easily slide
Now the bolt it was cold
Like an ice cube to hold
And to warm up it needed some friction
It, I moved back and forth
For all I was worth
And it helped being in such constriction
She asked “Are you done”
I said, “No, not yet hon”
So I picked up the pace, worked like hell
Soon achieved my aim
She said, “Glad that you came
You’re great service to Eskimo Nell”.
Categories:
clients, humorous,
Form:
She wakens to the most ungodly ring tone-
her husband's cell phone left there by her bed.
And next, her damn alarm clock's blare is fed
by noise of the neighbor’s lawn mower’s drone.
At work, suppressing groans, she is a clone
who answers e-mails, and with silent dread,
takes clients' calls. Guff fills her pounding head;
again and then again that ringing phone!
Then finally she’s home. Ahhhh. . . . time to dine -
except the children cannot break away
from Face book - and the oldest starts to whine.
Her hungry spouse then walks into the fray.
Amidst it all, as if to underline
her plight, that neighbor’s dog begins to bay!
For Cyndi MacMillan's
TIMELESS YET CONTEMPORARY, A SONNET THANG
Categories:
clients, life,
Form:
Italian Sonnet
There was a lady stock broker
who used clients' funds for poker.
One customer got wise
and to the lady's surprise.
Saw fit to up and croaker.
Categories:
clients, corruption, money,
Form:
Limerick
IN THE SOUP
My late aunt was always getting herself in the soup,
Wanted to share this with my poetry group,
Good clients of ours we invited home for a Greek meal
But my aunt made a mistake she couldn’t conceal,
Angelina’s boyfriend was nineteen years younger,
Handsome son said my aunt, what a lucky mother.
And before I had time to give her a kick under the table
She continued to speak nonsense, when are you due,
I whispered to my mom, your sister sounds unstable,
Yes Angelina said, I’ve put on a lot of weight of late,
I can see said my aunt , but when is your due date!
My mom walked out, she was fuming, so did my dad,
I was left holding the baby, excuse the pun,
This dinner party was getting out of control, not fun
So I said to my aunt your temperature from your flu
Has made you delirious, come lie down, but we
We were not yet out of the soup, came back in an hour,
Sat down and carried on, Jenny has told me
You have our invitations for the wedding in your
Bag and the last straw was this “my commiserations”
To the boyfriend instead of my congratulations!
Fortunately my dad was filling up Angelinas glass
And the boyfriend’s with wine,
They were quite pickled when they left,
Did no recall a thing that was said,so all was fine.
Needless to say my aunt was never again invited
When guests were around, otherwise
The next time, with pleasure would have crowned
Her myself and she would also be grounded!
After my aunt and uncle had left, we laughed hysterically
Because all was in fact said naively, not hypocritically!
English was not her mother tongue, recently
Came from Greece,
And wanted to make conversation and please,
Nothing was said intentionally.
Categories:
clients, dad,
Form:
Rhyme
You’re selling drugs to your own people; you’re like a terrorist bomb
but twice as lethal.
Do you really think it’s a lasting career? You blame “the man” but it’s
you we all fear!
You say that you’re making plenty of cash, but are you willing to die
for your poisonous stash?
You have so many excuses for destroying the community, but you’re
part of the reason that there is no unity.
You think you’re taking the easy way out, you’ll be dead or in
prison without a doubt.
I know you understand exactly what I’m saying, I at least got you
thinking I’m hoping and praying.
It’s time to start thinking before you act, if you make the wrong
decision there’s no turning back.
What happened to your desire to be successful? Your line of work
is way too stressful!
Worrying about getting robbed, killed or busted, your friends and
clients can never be trusted.
Is this a skill you would teach to your children? The revolving door
turns again and again.
Drug dealing skills passed generation to generation, causing
widespread neighborhood and community deterioration.
You say: “I have to do what I have to do!” But what are you going to
do when they come for you?
Yes eventually you will get caught; you were so untouchable at least
you once thought.
Is Drug Dealer a title you hold with pride? So what you have cash,
gold and a nice ride!
Everything you own can be gone in an instant, now you’re
incarcerated wanting to repent.
Being successful can bring lots of joy, but you’ll never be successful
being a “Dope Boy.”
Categories:
clients, education, inspirational, life, passion,
Form:
I made a firm commitment long ago
to read great novels frequently, not just
when I had time to kill or took a class
in college, for then reading was a must.
I love suspense involving clients, laws,
and litigators. I have come to see
the ones that hold, for me, the most
are found in the library, Section G.
I've a confession. I first read a book
by this great writer twenty years ago
when an associate whom I esteemed
convinced me his is work that all should know.
I learned of what inspired him early on:
his decade as a lawyer, Harper Lee,
and hearing a young girl speak of her rape.
His passion for the truth would be the key.
When I read Grisham's novels, I'm enthralled
with every plot and subplot, those details
that loop and wind, connecting when the time
is right. Each ending's smooth. He never fails.
His characters could walk right off the page--
the saints and devils, all those in-between.
The themes are realistic, relevant;
the settings, sometimes places I have seen.
His novels often make me laugh out loud.
That's right--these books on graft and other crimes!
The funny parts just underscore the theme.
His sense of humor shines so many times.
Best sellers have long been his claim to fame,
but he has other interests as well.
He campaigns to set free the innocent
who languish in the jails and prison cells.
This Christian former Legislator's love
extends to baseball, home, and family.
Our state is proud to claim him as our own;
and his success, we're truly glad to see.
I included some of his novel titles.
March 9, 2019, entered in Kai Michael Neumann's Book Worm Contest
Categories:
clients, appreciation, pride, writing,
Form:
Quatrain
Alone she sits at a table for two
In the corner bistro off Main
Cole Porter’s "I’ve Got You under My Skin"
Wafts softly throughout the room
After hours of lingering hope
She watches happy clients come and go
Bubbles of happiness fill their chatter
Laughter walks out trailing behind
Alone she sits and surveys the room
Even the wait staff now seems scarce
Time has vanished like steam in air
A waiter hints it is closing time
Table lights now give out a faint glow
Too much to bare, she decides to leave
But…O, how she loves him so! And though it's late
Still, she stalls… perhaps he will show up soon
10/'09
For Brian Strand's Contest-A haiga to Edward Hopper's "Automat"
Categories:
clients, fantasy, hope, love, sad,
Form:
Narrative
Long tennis matches stretch on and on for love of deuce,
While endless freight trains mercifully end with a little red caboose.
Domestic snits could be shortened dramatically with a fruit juice truce,
Though kids keep on playing 'Super Elite 4' when they might be watching
'The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle the Moose.'
Some highly-paid accountants play with their clients' numbers, fast and loose,
As weight-loss specialists do patients' expanding waistlines fail to reduce.
More and more often gynecologists must early labor unexpectedly induce,
So that a healthy, social-media-acceptable baby be rapidly produced.
Romantic poets with winsome words do their audiences seduce,
Since philosophers do airtight, logical conclusions no longer deduce.
Injun squaws are still known to carry their young ones in a papoose.
Whereas a hanging by a noose is a custom quite understandably out of use.
And, of course, the current Oval Office Occupant continues to rule the roost
By tweeting, texting, and twittering a refuse-storm gallopingly profuse.
Which all leads to the inevitable, inescaple, perhaps irrefutable con-cluse
That some people will and others won't throw up their hands, saying
"What's the Use?!"
Categories:
clients, humorous, perspective, word play,
Form:
Monorhyme
Source of living is dealing with the dead
Making them look refreshed from toe to head
Beautifying every face
So as to exude God’s grace…
With such occupation, his home is fed.
As an embalmer, he works by faith's might
Though at first, he was gripped with grievous fright
Beholding body sans soul
Still, he would accomplish goal
Coupled with fervent prayer* day and night.
Sometimes attacked by mockery and shame
Embarrassed to mention profession’s name
But he stays calm, feeling blest
Fulfilling his very best
To earn from his clients, approval claim.
Now treating his job with confident glow
To the departed, respect he does show
Despite trials, woes and strife
While thanking the Lord for life
Midst great hope today and each tomorrow.
*Philippians 4:6-7 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
November 1, 2023
Limerick in "Dramatic Verse"
1st place, "Any Poem" Poetry Writing Contest
Sponsored by Robert James Liguori; judged on 11/14/2023
Categories:
clients, blessing, christian, death, faith,
Form:
Limerick
Blue diaphane, tobacco smoke
Serpentine on wet film and wood glaze,
Mutes chrome, wreathes velvet drapes,
Dims the cave of mirrors.
Ghost fingers
Comb seaweed hair, stroke acquamarine veins
Of marooned mariners, captives
Of Circe's sultry notes.
The barman
Dispenses igneous potions ?
Somnabulist, the band plays on.
Cocktail mixer, silvery fish
Dances for limpet clients.
Applause is steeped in lassitude,
Tangled in webs of lovers' whispers
And artful eyelash of the androgynous.
The hovering notes caress the night
Mellowed deep indigo ?still they play.
Departures linger.
Absences do not
Deplete the tavern.
They hang over the haze
As exhalations from receded shores.
Soon
, Night repossesses the silence, but till dawn
The notes hold sway, smoky
Epiphanies, possessive of the hours.
This music's plaint forgives, redeems
The deafness of the world.
Night turns
Homewards, sheathed in notes of solace, pleats
The broken silence of the heart.
- Wole Soyinka -
Categories:
clients, heart,
Form:
Verse
In the perfect job of which I dream,
I'll be working with great talents.
Surrounded by inflated egos
I will strive to keep my balance.
To find success, I'll surely need
A lot more gain than loss.
I'll be so happy not to be
Kowtowing to a boss.
I'll have clients who respect me
And concede that I am right,
Who will give me the full credit
When I show them black and white.
By: Joyce Johnson 10/01/09
Written for Matt's contest
Categories:
clients, hope
Form:
Light Verse
I was told that sex stimulates mutual emotion,
out of curiousity, I decided to quiz a whore
she told me sex is a business and she craves more.
''Do you love your clients?'' was my last question.
Someone whispered ''sex is all about sharing pleasure''.
Immersed in doubt, I inquired from a rape victim,
all she told me was that ''sex was my darkest dream,''
''you love rapist?'' I asked... she hates them beyond measure.
I was told that sex makes relationship longer and deeper,
I went to the heartbroken, she explained better,
she simply said ''sex is a game that could make life bitter''
''I was used and dumped'' she ended up cheaper...
The pornstar opened a can of worms, ''sex is a fiction''
she said, it does not make the artists become intimate
sex and love are two different feelings...with different fate.
Love is more of a strong devotion than emotion.
I think sex is one of the sweetest sensation on earth,
it is a pure feeling when share at the right time.
Sex with a wrong person is now a common crime
that causes emotional trauma, heartbreak and ill health.
Categories:
clients, me, sensual, wisdom, woman,
Form:
Enclosed Rhyme