Best Artie Poems
Complaining of his marriage for thirty-odd years
He highballed his eyeballs, comforting his tears
The barkeep asked, what's troubling you son?
He poured out his life; I'm finished! I'm done!
The woman I married has turned into a nag
What I wouldn't give to be rid of that hag
Cheer up my friend, I have what you need
I know of a man willing to do such a deed
Artie's his name, a factory blue collar
He enjoys his hobby, charging only a dollar
Introducing himself, he sat on a stool
Please dear sir, don't think me a fool
I need your help, if you're willing and able
Sliding his wife's picture across the bar table
The love we once shared is impossible to find
Everything she does drives peace from my mind
For a dollar Artie agreed to get rid of his mate
She shops Farmer's Mart tomorrow, precisely at eight
The very next morning she parked the front aisle
Artie gazed at her picture, then waited awhile
He stalked her while shopping the produce section
The near-empty store posed slight risk of detection
With a look to his left, and a quick glance to his right
He crept, then he leapt, choking with all of his might
She swooned and she swayed, crumpling to the floor
Artie mused to himself: Attention! Cleanup, aisle four
A stock boy rounded the corner, witnessing the mess
Artie likewise dispatched him, in a minute, or less
A customer screamed, seeing this deed, dark and vile
With hands around her throat, he added her to the pile
The manager called the cops, who put Artie in jail
There, he awaited trial, unable to post bail
The following day's headlines gave readers a start:
"Artie chokes three for a dollar, at local Farmer's Mart"
My pet alligator sits under my feet.
He waits for food to fall while I simply eat.
He likes to chase the ball and bite with his sharp teeth.
His claws are super pointy, and he walks upon a leash.
He’s scaly without baths,
Smelly when not clean.
He’s very good at “sit,”
And trained to not be mean.
He likes the water much, except for when it rains.
And when we’re gone,
All day long,
We keep him in a crate.
My pet alligator is the best pet on this Earth,
I’d never trade him ever, for everything he’s worth.
When Artie Shaw
Was the King of Swing
His liquorice stick
Was made to sing
With a beat
To tap your toe too
Or melodies
To serenade you
Swing to get the kids
A jumping
Tunes to get the blood
A pumping
Artie Shaw and his
Tuneful clarinet
The King of Swing
Was as good as they get
A guy named Artie walks into a bar...
There he sees three men from afar...
He is out of money, so his mind starts to think...
I will rob each one near the bathroom sink...
The first comes in and Artie grabs him and chokes him for a quarter...
The second walks in and Artie does the same while two coins
fall near the water....
In comes the third and Artie makes his stand, and chokes him to the
floor as another coin falls by his collar...
Artie sits in disgust as he see's all this work for just four quarters...
The next day the paper read "Artie chokes three for a dollar"...
Hello darkness my old friend
I have come to you again..
running over something ..
that being a Bridge over troubled water
and in my footsteps I am thinking ...
This is the sound of silence.. "
Lil' ol' Artie the Ant,
Mosin' down the ant trail,
With his three pairs of shoes,
Happened upon Freddy,
That wasn't good news...
See ants gotta' follow a specific trail,
They can't branch off on their own,
And Freddy was blocking the way,
And Artie hadn't an Ant Cell Phone...
So he was stuck in that spot,
He let out an Ant Groan...
But Ant's are real strong,
Like a Superbug hero...
So Artie picked up ol' Freddy,
And tossed him from ground zero,
But flies got lots'a eyes,
They can see everyway,
If you don't believe me,
Go check out Vincent Price,
In that movie some day,
So one with super strength,
And one with super vision,
Seemed a super dead-lock,
An even decision...
Then along came 4 musical bugs,
Big ones, calling themselves
The Beetles,
As our two warrior bugs,
Sat on pins and needles...
The four musical bugs,
Broke out into song,
They were quite good,
And it was only 3 minutes long...
"She Bugs You, Yeah, yeah, yeah!!!'
They sang out with glee,
So our two warrior bugs,
Decided to follow along,
with a passing by flea,
To bug out of there,
Cause they wanted to see,
Another rogue bunch,
Of musical pests,
The "Rolling Bugs"
They were called,
As they infested seaside nests....
Thus Artie and Freddy
Passed into Bug History,
As the first beach "buggies"
That the world was to see.