Artie Chokes Three For a Dollar
Complaining of his marriage for thirty-odd years
He highballed his eyeballs, comforting his tears
The barkeep asked, what's troubling you son?
He poured out his life; I'm finished! I'm done!
The woman I married has turned into a nag
What I wouldn't give to be rid of that hag
Cheer up my friend, I have what you need
I know of a man willing to do such a deed
Artie's his name, a factory blue collar
He enjoys his hobby, charging only a dollar
Introducing himself, he sat on a stool
Please dear sir, don't think me a fool
I need your help, if you're willing and able
Sliding his wife's picture across the bar table
The love we once shared is impossible to find
Everything she does drives peace from my mind
For a dollar Artie agreed to get rid of his mate
She shops Farmer's Mart tomorrow, precisely at eight
The very next morning she parked the front aisle
Artie gazed at her picture, then waited awhile
He stalked her while shopping the produce section
The near-empty store posed slight risk of detection
With a look to his left, and a quick glance to his right
He crept, then he leapt, choking with all of his might
She swooned and she swayed, crumpling to the floor
Artie mused to himself: Attention! Cleanup, aisle four
A stock boy rounded the corner, witnessing the mess
Artie likewise dispatched him, in a minute, or less
A customer screamed, seeing this deed, dark and vile
With hands around her throat, he added her to the pile
The manager called the cops, who put Artie in jail
There, he awaited trial, unable to post bail
The following day's headlines gave readers a start:
"Artie chokes three for a dollar, at local Farmer's Mart"
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