Best Archie Poems
"Edith! Edith! I didn't find a Twinkie in my lunch bucket today!
What happened, Dingbat? Why do you torture me this way?"
"But Archie, ain't you seen on TV they ain't makin' 'em anymore?
The company is foldin' up and they ain't stockin' 'em at the store!"
"I blame you fer this disaster, Meathead, you and yer pinko friends!
The greedy union reached too far killin' jobs on which people depends!
Yer democrat gov'mint stimulated my tax dollars fer ever' thing in sight!
Instead of blowin' money on green inergy, I'd like some to solve my plight!"
"But, Daddy" - poking his gut - "fast food like Twinkies isn't good for you!"
"Let me tell you somethin', little girl! That may be yer lib'ral point of view!
My life ain't never gonna be the same agin without Twinkies fer a snack!
Them things is as American as yer mother's punkin' pie and I want 'em back!"
"I fought for the flag, baseball, Coca Cola and Twinkies in Dubya Dubya Two!
I slogged through the mud in Italy and was shot in a very fragile area too!
Now, I feel that it was all in vain to pertect all them things I hold dear!
No Twinkies for my lunch? Stifle yerselfs! I'm goin' to Kelsey's fer a beer!"
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Archie Bunker served in Italy during Dubya Dubya Two,
And was wounded by an enemy gun that was aimed, Oh! so true!
He won the Purple Heart and was reluctant to talk about his scar, but,
Meathead found great glee in reminding him that he was shot in the butt!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Placed No. 1 in PDee's "Battle of the Clerihews # 2" Contest - February 2012
Last Saturday night I dropped by for a few beers at Kelsey's Bar.
Archie Bunker was there, drinkin' beer and chompin' on a nickel seegar,
Expoundin' on religion and his pinko, atheist son-in-law, Meathead!
If you dared to contradict him, he'd tell you right off to drop dead!
"Edith gits her guidance from The Reverend Fletcher but the Bible is my guide!
Now you take Adam and Eve. She took a bite of apple and to God she lied!
So woman brung about the downfall of man and God got purty sore I hear,
And saith, "Clothe thyselfs in fig leaves and git the 'ell outta here!"
"Meathead said Christ was Jewish - musta been on His mother's side!
But what does that atheist know about such things - God he don't abide!
He don't believe Christ is the Son of God but the Bible says it's so!
To prove that, ever'body gits Christmas off to jubilate as we know!"
"God can do anything, buddy! He can turn your jawbone into an ass!
Don't listen to nothin' Meathead says about religion - he's so full of gas!
I say God created the world in seven days - Edith said it was six days,
'Cause He rested on the seventh - maybe so - He works in mysterious ways!"
"God don't make no mistakes - that's how He got to be ruler of the universe!
So don't go blamin' Him for your troubles - without Him things could be worse!"
My head was spinning when I left Kelsey's Bar and it wasn't because of the beer!
'Twas Archie Bunker's curious doctrinal insights that brought it on, I fear!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
He died a hero's death. He sacrificed his own life to save that of a friend.
Betty, Veronica, Jughead and Reggie had all been his friends since the begining.
Which friend's life did he save? Was it one of them?
No one will know until this July when Archie Andrews' legacy ends.
A comic book icon since 1941.
Rest In Peace Archie Andrews.
Growing up with you was fun.
*
Life With Archie, Issue 36,
the final chapter of the Archie Andrews epic
will be released July 2014 by publisher Archie Comics.
*
In the realm of comic book tales
There's a town called Riverdale
Where Archie Andrews hangs out with his friends
Riverdale High is the school they attend
Archie's best pal is Jughead Jones
He's the guy with lazy bones
Then there's dorky Ethel Muggs
She's got a crush on Jug
There's Dilton Doiley, he's a nerd
And "DUH" is Moose's favorite word
Reggie seeks Veronica's affection
But seems to be in love with his own reflection!
Betty is the girl next door
Archie is the one that she adores
Veronica is the spoiled rich girl
Who wants to rock Archie's world
---
5 -23-15
Archie Bunker Loves Crackers
Crackers are white
what's not to love
Crackers are simple food
for simple minds
Archie sits in his chair
rants against liberals
races
and humanity
Some think he passed on
for every fool gone
another will appear
even from down under
Where hatred is running in high gear
Trick or Treat, "Edith get the door," yells Archie!!
"Oh Archie they are so cute come and look Please."
"Shut up Edith just give them their stupid candy, will ya?"
" I'm not dealing with Meathead, you, and these brats all night, Na"
" Edith don't give Snickers bars, they're my favs, are you crazy?"
Michael Tor
Inspired by Lin Lane
Archie Bunker was
a rude SOB he starred
in a sitcom called All
In The Family. He had
no manners and
treated his wife Edith
like she was dumb,
but Edith was smarter
than him...
Archie Bunker at the Pearly Gates
By Elton Camp
Archie almost died at the loading dock
The experience, to him, quite a shock
“If the crate hadn’t missed, I’d be dead”
The scary thought ran through his head
That night he had a most troubling dream
Because completely real to him it did seem
When fluffy white clouds and angels he spied,
Archie then suddenly realized that he had died
“I am sure it will be as I’ve always been told
With the streets all paved with the finest gold.
A place where I can lie about on a cloud all day
And I’ll have a golden harp I can learn to play.”
“I just can’t wait to get my pair of feathery wings.
I’ve always thought I’d like to have them things.
And a glowing halo circling up above my head.
Maybe it ain’t gonna be so bad, this being dead.”
He spotted a neon sign that had the following to say:
“To the pearly gates, please proceed along this way.”
As he trod the narrow path, he glimpsed far over there
A lofty, shining palace--it was a city built foursquare
Archie found the pearly gates and he began to knock
What happened next gave him a most horrible shock
St. Peter had a beak-like nose and quite swarthy skin
Peter look at him with a grin. “Hello Archie, come in.”
“For me to be around a guy like youse won’t do.
People will think that youse might be a Hebrew.”
Peter told Archie what was historically true:
Each of the earliest Christians had been a Jew.
“And if youse has got any coloreds inside there,
Then whether I come in, I sure as hell don’t care.
If that’s the kind of place heaven’s gonna be,
Then it ain’t no place for a white guy like me.”
Archie then woke up with a piercing scream
“Oh, Edith, I just had the most terrible dream.
I went way up to heaven, but far as I could tell,
I would really just as soon have to live in hell.”
(Note: This is a parody for the sake of humor
and does not represent my theological views.)
I don’t mean to bust Archie’s hump.
He meant well, the simple old chump,
But damn, how buffoonish
His views, so cartoonish,
In short, he’d have staunchly liked Trump!
(Written February 2, 2019, for Joseph May's Limerick 4 contest.)
There once was a man named Archie
Definitely not so starchy
Ridicule his best gift
Supremacy his lift
An upper hand controlled Archie
Bunker was his family name
Superiority his game
He put intellect down
Made Michael wear a frown
And his viewers flush with red shame
Syllables checked.
Written: 02/14/2019
Dear Archie,
It's best you find your bunker
The world as we know it
Has certainly gone asunder
Political correctness
Don't it make you wonder
If we should be taking names
And writing down their numbers
Oh and Archie,
Lucky now your six feet under
Out of lightenings range
And all the man made thunder
Those were the days
We could laugh like murder
At each other
Goodbye Archie bunker
Archie Andrews
Lots of girls from whom to choose,
But one young lady caught his eye
For her he could be the lucky guy.
Veronica Lodge
Would never our Archie dodge
She was always his girlfriend
From the beginning to the end.
FIRST PLACE WINNER
written August 29, 2021
for "Cleritoons" Poetry Contest
sponsored by Joseph May
Why did Archie keep running after Veronica?
Betty was the nice one.
And she was blonde.
Why was Reggie’s mouth always drawn into a sneer?
Did they want him to look cruel?
Why did they want Jughead to appear stupid?
Oddly enough, I never questioned why
Betty and Veronica were both drawn like Vargus pinup girls.
Maybe because I was used to Barbie dolls in 1959.
Archie Bunker made Edith a saint
His attitude made most people faint
His words often cruel
He acted like a fool
But She still loved him with no complaints
2/2/19
Limerick 4 Contest
Sponsor: Joseph May
9,9,6,6,9 (Howmanysyllables.com)
Archie had words for each situation,
he would say them without hesitation;
like my sediments meat head,
or in a pigs dye, he said;
my bus has sailed was his explanation !
___________________________
February 5, 2019
Poetry/Limerick/Archie Bunker
Copyright Protected, ID 19-1172-670-02
All Rights Reserved. Written under Pseudonym.
Submitted to the contest, A Limerick,
Old or New: Your Personal Favorite.
sponsor, Andrea Dietrich
Fourth Place
Fourth Place
Non- Iambic Pentameter