They were stopping everyone;
made us answer their questionnaires.
We were told that there were
no right or wrong answers,
but weeks later - a letter.
Apparently the socially correct
had a beef with me.
A ham sandwich had recently been indicted
and jailed.
One of the questions I replied to
smelled slightly off,
seditious salami flavored sins
had been detected.
A tuna casserole had declared independence
from rainy Wednesdays.
Now the fridge is being audited,
there's something fishy in the air,
and the cops are hiding in my rose bushes
taking recipe notes.
I have complained to Yelp.
Categories:
audited, poetry,
Form: Free verse
Speak no ill of our 3 letter government agencies;
they are always watching out for our rights,
they are working for us.
Don't you know you are just peddling enemy disinformation!
Don't you know you are just repeating
conspiracy theories?
Nothing to see here.
No one is above the law except....
You will be considered an extremist
if you protest, ask no unauthorized questions.
Never cross the line and don't ask what line?
Don't speak about faith in anything but us.
You will be audited,
investigated,
we are sending 87 thousand more
armed revenue agents to your homes
to keep the peace.
Never run for political office unless you agree
with our official position and have been approved.
Everything is good, eat less food. It is patriotic
to want less, expect less.
The Ministry Truth is always watching.
Have a nice day - do what we say.
Categories:
audited, poetry,
Form: Free verse
He seems to be new and I so cool
Walk over to introduce myself
I notice a clue his polished shoes
And the badges shiny on his belt
It seems my desk was a mess
As the man had searched high and low
I'm Bob he says with the IRS
Your company's assets will be froze
In fact lady come with me
There are questions for you and news
Today was a good day indeed
For the audited IRS blues.
2/14/2021
Categories:
audited, addiction, anxiety, business, humorous,
Form: Rhyme
When you wake up and realize that your meds have forced you into a four and a half hour cat nap-
You sit up and crack your neck. Yawn.
Look out the window, and see how much the Sun's glare has weakened.
You grab a glass of water and your pill box. Check the date against what is missing and what day your phone says it is.
Because your mind is too foggy to trust.
Because your doctor needs to lower your dosage.
Will you survive that?
Your thumb presses down on Saturday.
Different shapes, sizes, and colors are audited as you're still trying to survey the logistics of moving any further.
Maybe you should just skip to the end.
Take them all.
Tell the Sun farewell and cozy back up to a chemically induced facade, lit up by an endearing subconscious.
Angels sing as you push down, and turn.
Grab that last capsule and drift off like one of your rock star heroes that burnt out, rather than fade away.
But you're just a burn out who wants to fade away.
So you swallow your medicine.
Lay back down,
and wait for the encore.
-James Kelley 2016
Categories:
audited, anxiety, death, deep, depression,
Form: Free verse
The laws of life
audited and penned by life itself
laws, like giving
must, be balanced
by it's receiving end
The laws of taking
is rated by the replacing
as with light is with darkness
or the moon with gravity
and restful activity
The laws of goodness
to be pitted against that of evil
and vanity to be beaten
by humility's bended knees
as pride takes it's fall
The laws of love
will and always overcome hate
and leaves prejudice
with biasness to fumble
at the bottom of the golden gate
It is the laws of the God of all
that cannot be ignored
For the books of life
will be balanced
by the Almighty Auditor Himself
Categories:
audited, philosophy, prejudice,
Form: Free verse
for my Mother
After the failed attempt to kill herself,
She gaveled up a parliament of owls,
Repurposing every cabinet and shelf
To house her blinkless treasury of fowls.
What comfort came from a gross of hooded eyes
Strewn through her home, I could not even guess.
Yet urgently she unboxed every prize
And for it found some suitable recess.
As executor, I audited the owls.
Seventy-two, my final reckoning.
There was one I liked. He'd pivot in his cowl
Like a startled monk, when shook. His shuttering
eyes, like cameras, seemed to document the night.
Her night, I thought: her burden, and her flight.
Categories:
audited, death,
Form: Sonnet
tomorrow you might wake up in prison or
tomorrow you might have the most amazing ****** of your life
or tomorrow you might be hit by a semi crossing the street or
tomorrow you might find out your significant other is cheating on you
or tomorrow you might win the lottery or
tomorrow you might get robbed & beat within an inch of your life while you are asleep
or tomorrow you might get hired to work your dream job or
tomorrow you might meet the match to blurt out all other romantic inquiries
or tomorrow you might find out you have a debilitating disease or
tomorrow you might get in a car that runs out of gas & have to walk all the way home
or tomorrow you might travel to your most sought out destination or
tomorrow you might finish your novel
or tomorrow you might win a marathon or
tomorrow you might have a heart attack
or tomorrow you might graduate with a doctorate degree or
tomorrow you might move to your favorite city
or tomorrow you might fall in love again or
tomorrow you might get a drug habit
or tomorrow you might get audited by the IRS or
tomorrow you might get sick of reading this piece
or tomorrow you might stop reading & curse the time spent
having done so.
Categories:
audited, life, life, drug,
Form: Free verse
The taxman called: “You’re being audited”, he said
I needed that like a hole in the head
The doctor said twins; it was triplets instead
I needed that like a hole in the head
My wife said: “No more babies, get out of my bed!”
I needed that like a hole in the head
We’re all getting sick; the pipes are made of lead
I needed that like a hole in the head.
The vegetables in my garden, due to bugs are all dead
I needed that like a hole in the head
My doctor gave the “Bend over” instruction I dread
I needed that like a hole in the head
The monies in my account, to the creditors fled
I needed that like a hole in the head
Transmission fluid on the garage floor has all been bled
I needed that like a hole in the head.
So if you’ve got bad news, don’t hold it back
May as well add some more to the pack
My head is already full of holes galore
How much can it hurt to add one more?
In case you haven't guessed, my Catch Phrase is: "I needed that like a hole in the head".
Categories:
audited, angst, funny
Form: Rhyme