You Never Believe Me

You never believe me when I tell you the truth And you always believe that I’m uncouth You think you’d be glad I came home and shed a sad tear Remember how I was abducted by aliens last year That woman I was with should not cause you to fear I was testing her lipstick to see if it would smear Last week when I didn’t come home that night I met a vampire and damn, she could bite Then I wanted to make sure I was okay So I waited for the sun to come up the next day Now I won’t be home at all next week So please don’t pop your cork I have training scheduled for the CIA On a secret base in upstate New York You never believe me, not a single word that I say You know that my missions often take me away No, I can’t call and I won’t be hanging in bars My next assignment is to investigate Mars Yes, that was me you saw with that blonde I was just covering her for James Bond. You never believe me when I’m telling you so I have people to do and places to go You never believe me, you know I won’t lie My eyes are bloodshot, when I’m homesick I cry Please believe me, I’m not out there having fun Don’t look at me like that and put down the gun.