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Workshop Poem the Betrayer of You and I

For a year l have been travelling around the world
Searching for the betrayer of you and I
I travelled to the four cardinal point of the world
I went to Burundi central Africa
Where river Nile was, I asked the Nile 
Of the great enemy of you and I
Your great enemy is with you, said the Nile
I went to USA. to lake Itasca in Minnesota
Where the river Mississippi was,I asked the Mississippi
Of the betrayer of you and I
Your betrayer is with you, said the Mississippi
I wonder in solitude, who could be the enemy
I was unable to go home on that day
Because the day is already down, so I decide
To stay for the night at the coast of Mississippi


I heard a voice shriek in my ear
I woke up in my dream
Gravity pulled me high in to the sky
I heard the voice again in my ear
Oh! my son you are wellcome
Look down to the land of livings
I saw how people were causing destruction to the land of living
Hatred grown between a couple
Brothers and sisters were killing each other
 Malicious gossip between two friends
'Do you now know the betrayer'
Said the lord
No my lord
Your great enemy is your nose
I was lost in awe and wonder,how could a nose
Be the great enemy of you and I,your nose
Can smell all these good foods for you to eat
And you are using it to breathe
And yet it betrayed you
Your nose can't smell someone malice at you
Someone of dangerous behaviour
If not because of your nose
Life wouldn't have corrupted to this level


I woke up from my dream
I realised it was a dream
And the betrayer I have been searching for all this while is NOSE.


12/5/2015
Contest: Workshop poem
Sponsor: Cyndi MacMillan.

Copyright © | Year Posted 2015




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Date: 6/9/2015 11:39:00 PM
:) Nice to see this one up
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Date: 5/25/2015 6:09:00 PM
Hi Afolabi, I thought I had come back... sorry about that. I got off track and tried to tilt some windmills ;) For verb tenses, you have "I heard" and I "woke" past tense and then the next line, Gravity "pull" so to keep the verb tense, it should read, "Pulled" (past tense)
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Date: 5/15/2015 10:01:00 PM
Back, but only for five minutes. I'm exhausted. Okay, line two.. to tighten and clarify, you can have, "searching for who betrayed you and I" And of course using that repetition all the way through...
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Date: 5/15/2015 7:53:00 PM
Well, I'd say listen to your stomach. If you feel 'sick' about something it's bad for you! [mentally or physically] Do capitalize Mississippi & Minnesota [proper nouns] I'd look at breaking up the last line into 3 lines. Light & Love
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Muideen Avatar
Afolabi Muideen
Date: 5/16/2015 4:05:00 PM
Thank you for notified me, I made that mistake when I was typing it.
Date: 5/15/2015 5:12:00 PM
Thank you for your patience, Afolabi,and for your courage and maturity in choosing to join the workshop. It is not a contest, though and I am not really a sponsor-- I'm simply the Workshop host. I will do my best to visit tonight. I like the idea of this poem, very much. After this first reading, I noticed some syntax/grammar problems which can easily be fixed. I must go for now and I look forward to returning. Cyndi
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Muideen Avatar
Afolabi Muideen
Date: 5/16/2015 4:23:00 PM
Thank you for take your time to read and comment on my poem. I will be glade if you help me on the syntax/grammar problem.
Macmillan Avatar
Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/15/2015 5:21:00 PM
Your verb tenses are mixed. I will definitely help you with these! You have past and present tense and this may confuse the reader.
Date: 5/15/2015 8:02:00 AM
happy to see you have not changed your write and thanks for visiting my poem today
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Date: 5/13/2015 6:47:00 AM
Ofalobi, it is obvious to me that you put a lot of thought and work into writing this terrific poem, for me I believe it should stay the way you wrote it but of course you want to know how to make it better, I understand that, best of luck and thanks for visiting my poem, Purity. .
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