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Workshop Poem - Waterless Tears

WATERLESS TEARS


Who would put vinegar on the lips
of those who cry, “We thirst.”
Pour dust into the vase of hope’s evaporating promise?
Deny the single tear shed for lack of moisture,
refuse the very earth its need to grow.
Allow the desert’s hand to clutch the young,
draining them of all but tearless want,
prying from their hearts a future’s flow.


We are as Kings, removed from suffering’s
intrusion, bathing in the plenty of life’s lot,
demanding by decree that all be “mindful”.
Pointing to the things that must be done -
by others - so that we might wave
in Kingly fashion from the throne
of sanctimony’s hubris.


Could we be the ever doubted primer
needed to seduce the dry and idle pump,
exert pressure on the rusty handle,
draw from deep within - the hidden flow,
bathe the powdered tears of children,
allow a parents wilting hope to grow?


Would we put down our ever-present water bottles,
let our lips go dry and cracked by noon,
hold perspiration to us in damp clothing
while waiting for the shadow’s shape to show?
Or will we blame the people and the climate,
defer to those who pander to the Kings,
while wondering what happened to the mornings
in which the gasping songbird never sings.


John G. Lawless
3/18/2015


revision...

We are like kings, removed from suffering's
intrusion, bathing in the plenty of life's lot,
demanding by decree all be "mindful".
Pointing to the things that must be done -
by others - so that we might wave
in Kingly fashion from the throne
of sanctimony's hubris.

Should we put vinegar on the lips
of those who cry, “We thirst.”
Pour dust into the vase of hope’s evaporating promise?
Deny the single tear shed for lack of moisture,
refuse the very earth its need to grow.
Allow the desert’s hand to clutch the young,
draining them of all but tearless want,
prying from their hearts a future’s flow.

Could we be the ever doubted primer
needed to seduce the dry and idle pump,
exert pressure on the rusty handle,
draw from deep within - the hidden flow,
bathe the powdered tears of children,
allow a parents wilting hope to grow?

Would we put down our ever-present water bottles,
let our lips dry, crackle by noon,
hold perspiration to us in damp clothing
while waiting for the shadow’s shape to show?
Blame the people and the climate,
defer to those who pander to the Kings,
wondering what happened to the mornings
in which the gasping songbird never sings.


John G. Lawless
5/11/2015 revision with workshop suggestions

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Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 6/10/2015 8:17:00 PM

Awesome rewrite, John. Thanks for sharing your insights. This was exhaustive for many, but worth every late night. :D

Skat A

Date: 6/9/2015 11:55:00 PM

both are good

John Lawless

Date: 5/11/2015 5:29:00 PM

OK, I have made most of the suggested tweaks and "tightened" it up a bit. Let me know how you feel about the revised version and thank you all for your input. Thank you Cyndi for undertaking this workshop format. I hope it becomes a regular occurrence on the soup as I have learned quite a few new and nuanced ways to "critique" and "correct" my own work. Thank you all for taking the time to read and constructively review(aka critique) my work.

Debbie Guzzi

Date: 5/7/2015 10:22:00 PM

Very good content, I liked the spare use of end rhyme until the end where it adds emphasis. Maybe don't use TEAR twice so close togther? In the last 2 verses you use COULD WE, WOULD WE - perhaps line one might be SHOULD we put vinegar? and maybe try verse 2 as verse one? What is 'shadow's shape' who or what is making a shadow? Also, consider using some enjambment.

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 5/7/2015 9:37:00 PM

It is a solid poem, good language, good imagery, INTENSE. I took it into word, it has 11 "to's" 21 "the's" 4 "and's" which means over 10% of the content is filler. That is not bad, at all, by any means. But it is something you could tighten. (it is something I am constantly tightening in my own work) A suggestion (take, leave, ponder, dismiss, all is good) "We are kings." "let our lips dry, crackle by noon." Thanks for participating; please drop by my own work-in-progress when ya can:)