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* This is me at age three ... how could anyone NOT want to care for a little boy like that? Not a pity party, just an honest question from the core of my being. *

You're slipping away again ... Will you return this time, or are you done? Are your feet set on the path to oblivion this time, Or is this another detour ... a few steps off the straights? I have to understand ... HAVE to It's not your fault - you were never given the tools Still, it's so hard to NOT resent the situation I think back on all the times I was sick All the times I was injured or sad or hurting emotionally The myriad sprains and cuts and questions about Life The endless accidents and bumped knees The countless moments when I needed a hug Or just someone to tell me it was OK ... All of the little AND big needs throughout my childhood And all the moments and obligations from then to now Were mom ... NONE of it was you - just mom, always mom Always, always, always ... Mom, doing everything, no need unanswered All the while trying her best to convince me that you loved me "Your father loves you - oh, he does!" ... Though the words NEVER left your lips ... never She did her best to cover for you, at her own expense ... Love and care and rides to games and study help Guidance and maturity and facts of life Tears and pains and loves and ills and wonders and scars Lessons and discipline and punishment ALL of it was mom ... I have not one SINGLE memory of you like that - Bringing me a cold facecloth when I had a migraine Putting a bandage on my knee, picking me up Giving me a hug and encouragement when I was sad or discouraged Talking it out when I was mad or hurt in love Playing catch, riding on shoulders, laughing Teaching, sharing, caring, arguing, being crazy NONE of it - not one iota ... and yet, You were THERE - in the house Always around and within reach, but conveniently "busy" Never EVER a help or a part of my daily life Negative OR positive OR even ambiguous ... It's SO difficult to put that stark, blatant negligence aside Yet I MUST, for now you need me ... now I must be a son As your mind and body deteriorates And you lose your grip on the tenuous thread of mortality. But it always comes back - that question ... why? Why was I not worth a single caring effort?? Not even a hug? Seriously?? Not even a goddam hug for your little boy?!? Where do I put this ... Where it will no longer poison me ... Where it will no longer poison us BOTH?? For even our sad, tearful goodbyes ... Will seem ... a LIE.

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Eve Roper

Date: 4/12/2018 7:26:00 PM

Enjoyed reading this heartfelt verse, Greg, love is so important to show to a child.. My father didn't show his love until I was older, but still very cold to the boys.

Gregory Richard Barden
Date: 4/12/2018 8:31:00 PM

That was pretty common in our era, Eve, and still probably more than we realize, but even my friends who had non-loving or unaffectionate fathers, had fathers who still DID things with them - going fishing or playing pass or whatever, or even discipline - I didn't even get that, as Mom did the disciplining, too. He didn't even talk to me, except for chewing me out when I got my first report card without straight-A's, (as a junior) ... that was quite a day, lol. Blessings, my friend. <3

Fj Thomas

Date: 4/8/2018 9:27:00 PM

...I am in this place now; with an abusive father ...I still have not found where to "put this." Thank you Greg.

Gregory Richard Barden
Date: 4/11/2018 1:03:00 AM

I'm so sorry, FJ - if you ever need someone to chat with, just Soup Mail me, ok? I've been there, (and a few other places that often come with it), and I have a good ear for listening. Please consider me a friend. Blessings and thanks to you.

Becca Teagan

Date: 4/8/2018 8:39:00 AM

omg :( This one brought tears. I felt the pain from that little boy, that cute, sweet little boy. It is so hard to understand how a parent can be so detached, but I think many men were (are) like that. There is no understanding it. Anyway, you wrote a masterpiece here. Hugs

Gregory Richard Barden
Date: 4/11/2018 1:01:00 AM

Yes, many men are like that, Becca, especially from the era I grew up in ... I was indeed very sweet, and my mom says the most loving child she's ever known ... how anyone could NOT want to love a child like that is beyond me. So pleased this touched you, my friend, thank you for your kind comments! :-) <3

Maureen Mcgreavy

Date: 4/8/2018 6:01:00 AM

Wow. The size of lump in my throat reading this must reflect how cathartic a piece this was for you to write. I just want to hug you. <3

Gregory Richard Barden
Date: 4/11/2018 12:55:00 AM

Thank you so much, Mo ... yes, it was cathartic ... and a bit emotional. I have trouble going to "that" place, cuz it always drains me. So pleased it touched you, Dear Friend. <3