Email Poem

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Personal Note:
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You're slipping away again ...

Will you return this time, or are you done?
          Are your feet set on the path to oblivion this time,
                    Or is this another detour ... a few steps off the straights?
          I have to understand ... HAVE to
It's not your fault - you were never given the tools

Still, it's so hard to NOT resent the situation
          I think back on all the times I was sick
                    All the times I was injured or sad or hurting emotionally
          The myriad sprains and cuts and questions about Life
The endless accidents and bumped knees

The countless moments when I needed a hug
          Or just someone to tell me it was OK ...
                    All of the little AND big needs throughout my childhood
          And all the moments and obligations from then to now
Were mom ... NONE of it was you - just mom, always mom

Always, always, always ...
          Mom, doing everything, no need unanswered
                    All the while trying her best to convince me that you loved me
          "Your father loves you - oh, he does!" ...
Though the words NEVER left your lips ... never

She did her best to cover for you, at her own expense ...
          Love and care and rides to games and study help
                    Guidance and maturity and facts of life
          Tears and pains and loves and ills and wonders and scars
Lessons and discipline and punishment

ALL of it was mom ...
          I have not one SINGLE memory of you like that -
                    Bringing me a cold facecloth when I had a migraine
          Putting a bandage on my knee, picking me up
Giving me a hug and encouragement when I was sad or discouraged

Talking it out when I was mad or hurt in love
          Playing catch, riding on shoulders, laughing
                    Teaching, sharing, caring, arguing, being crazy
          NONE of it - not one iota ... and yet,
You were THERE - in the house

Always around and within reach, but conveniently "busy"
          Never EVER a help or a part of my daily life
                    Negative OR positive OR even ambiguous ...
          It's SO difficult to put that stark, blatant negligence aside
Yet I MUST, for now you need me ... now I must be a son

As your mind and body deteriorates
          And you lose your grip on the tenuous thread of mortality.
                    But it always comes back - that question ... why?
          Why was I not worth a single caring effort??
Not even a hug? Seriously??

Not even a goddam hug for your little boy?!?
          Where do I put this ...
                    Where it will no longer poison me ...
          Where it will no longer poison us BOTH??
For even our sad, tearful goodbyes ...

                    Will seem ... a LIE.
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