Why Can'T I Be More Like You

dear sister, if I was more like you, I’d fight for your memory, cascade waves in oceans in honor of you- maybe thoughts of your final farewell flood through my mind because of how you left; what happened after we spoke leaves my lungs empty and my veins bled dry- for yes, my sweet sister, I’d fight for your memory… if I was more like you you knew not your plan would leave me restless; year after year, seasons changing slowly as I try to change what the world thinks of you, a weight too much to bear sometimes- I bring sights of your smile at gatherings, speak in honor of you (as if I were you) hoping everyone could see you as I do… (strong as ore, soft as snow) so I decided to go to the site where you took your final breath, hoping to reach you once more- (dreams don’t embrace like they used to) surprised my eyes were when I came to the bench we have in honor of you! stuffed animals, trinkets, deflated balloons, letters sealed in plastic so they don’t weather; I lay orange stargazers down under the pine tree and I left a laminated poem and say a prayer of thanksgiving for signs did awake- angels did not forsake I saw a sight of wonder and finally realized I have fought for your memory after all- for if not, then there would not be all this affection for you; as I drive by your site and see the white cross almost half mile away, I think of how you were until you weren’t you anymore but I know deep down I must see lilies when I think of you, make angels in the snow in winter; plant lilies in my garden in spring (just to be near you, my sister) “many remember you as weak in the end, they hold onto sights of you weeping, while I wear your bracelet for safekeeping, always wishing your heart I could mend" (Love U) 317 words August 8, 2019 Caren Krutsinger