Why Can'T I Be More Like You
dear sister,
if I was more like you, I’d fight for your
memory,
cascade waves in oceans in honor of you-
maybe thoughts of your final farewell flood
through my mind because of how you left;
what happened after we spoke leaves my
lungs empty and my veins bled dry-
for yes, my sweet sister,
I’d fight for your memory…
if I was more like you
you knew not your plan would leave me
restless; year after year, seasons changing
slowly as I try to change what the world
thinks of you,
a weight too much to bear sometimes-
I bring sights of your smile at gatherings,
speak in honor of you (as if I were you)
hoping everyone could see you as I do…
(strong as ore, soft as snow)
so I decided to go to the site where you
took your final breath, hoping to reach
you once more-
(dreams don’t embrace like they used to)
surprised my eyes were when I came to
the bench we have in honor of you!
stuffed animals, trinkets, deflated balloons,
letters sealed in plastic so they don’t weather;
I lay orange stargazers down under the
pine tree and I left a laminated poem and
say a prayer of thanksgiving
for signs did awake-
angels did not forsake
I saw a sight of wonder and finally realized
I have fought for your memory after all-
for if not, then there would not be all this
affection for you;
as I drive by your site and see the white
cross almost half mile away,
I think of how you were until you weren’t
you anymore
but I know deep down I must see lilies
when I think of you,
make angels in the snow in winter;
plant lilies in my garden in spring
(just to be near you, my sister)
“many remember you as weak in the end,
they hold onto sights of you weeping,
while I wear your bracelet for safekeeping,
always wishing your heart I could mend"
(Love U)
317 words
August 8, 2019
Caren Krutsinger
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