when I would miss you

when I miss you, I don't think about the good times. I don't think about all those hours I spent talking to and thinking about you. I don't think about all those jokes and laughs and stories. I don't think about all those poems I wrote about you. I don't think about all of those songs that reminded me of you. I don't think about the good times. I think about the bad. I think about the tears and the fights. I think about the lies and the betrayal. when I miss you I think about what you were doing behind my back. I think about who you were texting and who you were flirting with. I think about the blatant disregard for my boundaries and my feelings. I think about how we never went a month without fighting. I think about the warnings from my friends and those from my own mind. I think about all the sleepless nights and wasted days. When I miss you, I don't give myself more reasons to. I don't think about the good times because the good times made me want to go back. Even if the good times were few and far between. even if in the end, every good time was soaked in the memory of the bad. I remind myself why I left. I remind myself why I made the right choice when I blocked and deleted your number. I remind myself that it is okay to miss you, just not okay to want you back.