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What Do You Miss

a day dream are you made by two seen by a few rainbow in the blue a stray traveller the rain you rest on the grass you let the clouds pass a flower drifts on the breeze that looks for the trees the sky torn by leaves the moon guards the tide the waves play on either side the ocean shines wide so much to see that we miss when sun and the ocean kiss

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Camila Encarnacion

Date: 6/19/2023 1:35:00 PM

A song of desperation perhaps , it moves me . Soon I’ll say , soon it’ll be better .

Sally Eslinger

Date: 6/19/2023 8:02:00 AM

Goodness (please don’t hate me!) as long ss i’m proofreading & am a oseudo average reader p…The title is phrased as a ?, so needs ? Mark(tho not able to put in on poem submission form. Here add onenp, This title also has a YOU & by Uspr notes would be best ~ like WHAT. WE. MISS SEEING RAINBOWS or HOW TRULY WE MISS SEEING IN RAINBOWS. Hmm..?

Pramod Nair
Date: 6/19/2023 10:45:00 PM

Thanks for your awesome insights :) It's a treasure

Sally Eslinger

Date: 6/19/2023 7:48:00 AM

Simply improving the title would fix the whole thing…Ur talent coukd di better @ one,but WHAT WE MISS ABOUT RAINBOWS is awkward but defines the YOU for reader at very start. Gosh…tremendously respect Ur creativity here. Hope U know that! xo. sally

Sally Eslinger

Date: 6/19/2023 7:42:00 AM

4= St. 3 feels stuck in if the beloved is Rainbow not a person. Ur making this re a rainbow is Amazing! But the use of YOU is diverting Ur intent. Somewhere in 1st st or a new st 1 the rainbow as being the you needs to be made clear. Pronoun YOU is PERSONIFICATION so the what is ?

Sally Eslinger

Date: 6/19/2023 7:34:00 AM

Hmm…Ur detail in reply makes this diff. 2=me. By a YOU in 1st line, a person linked w/a daydream(1 word not 2) tells the reader This is 1OERSIN DAYDREAMING RE ANOTHER ESO AS THE BELOVED LAYS ON THE GRASS. Never conceived of rainbows doing that.in a daydream the beloved CAN BE SEEN AS a

Pramod Nair
Date: 6/20/2023 7:15:00 AM

The thing is that this poem was aligned for a contest a 5-7-5 Sonnet :). Also every para is unrelated to the other, not connected. Each one paints a different picture a different emotion , may be i could not bring it out that way

Sally Eslinger

Date: 6/19/2023 7:22:00 AM

2…cont…Last st. U have …syn and THE moon kiss. In writing, if i recall proper term, we need to try to keep to Parallel (?) construction, so take out THE before moon or put a THE before sun. Pramod, this is a lovely poem, with peaceful flow & imparts a loving heart fitting theme. No usual love poem cliches is Good. Hope all this is helpful 4 your natural talent nib & a privilege to meet U!Keep posting lots/sally

Sally Eslinger

Date: 6/19/2023 7:05:00 AM

Greetings & blessings! Some suggestions for polish ( just 4 U to consider) open thesaurus &…2nd stanza Maybe change THE rain to IN rain. God LETS clouds pass. Do you WATCH? DREAM AS they pass? Re- picture what U’re really feeling there.3rd st. u, the daydream & thus the flower? driftS removes U. driftING keeps U as primary. TORN — U mean something…more like BROKEN UP. Tornntoo violent 4 here. Check Thesaurus

Pramod Nair
Date: 6/19/2023 7:17:00 AM

3rd The flower yearns for the breeze who in turn is more interested in the trees. The Sky when you see through the leaves almost covering it looks torn/battered. So even the Sky is left insane and broken by the trees

Pramod Nair
Date: 6/19/2023 7:16:00 AM

Thanks a lot for your words , mean a lot !!! 1st The rainbow is a day dream seen by two ( the Sun and the Rain ) but not seen by every one under the sun as we are too busy 2nd Rain itself is the stray traveler that lets the clouds pass

Beata Agustin

Date: 6/14/2023 4:07:00 AM

Welcome to Poetry Soup. I welcome you with the love of the Lord, expressed by John 3:16 of the Bible, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." Be blessed.

Pramod Nair
Date: 6/14/2023 4:31:00 AM

Thanks for your kind words Beata :)

Heidi Sands

Date: 6/12/2023 6:36:00 AM

Nice poem :)

Pramod Nair
Date: 6/12/2023 7:09:00 AM

thanks :)