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when i sit silent still i feel it a longing to fall into myself into the dark abyss that’s still there after all this work after all this time when my room is quiet i turn on the music to combat the noise in my head it doesn’t make sense it doesn’t have words noise just surrounds me when there is none around i can escape it by keeping busy activities to fill my days fill my mind but one can’t move all the time introspection is needed in a life but when i sit silent, still thinking about myself is the last thing to do so invariably i get up and do something else but this time i’ll stay a while i can’t understand it there must be some explanation a pattern some logic but i can’t find it and when all i want to do is cry for no reason at all besides the something wrong that seems to sit heavily on my heart in my mind at times when the only sound is the chatter in my head i find that tears won’t come so my leg moves trying to release some of the tension that is building inside me i don’t want to explode i’m afraid of loud noises sparks and fire for this kind of fire is potentially fatal and lying to my mother feels so damned wrong am i okay? sure i am! somehow that’s incongruous with the sinking feeling that has lodged itself inside me and now it’s becoming unbearable so i needs must go and occupy this defect of a mind with something other than thinking a dangerous occupation i warn you, who would make it a lifestyle don’t think too much i know i do