Email Poem

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Poem

when i sit silent
still
i feel it
a longing to fall
into myself
into the dark abyss
that’s still there
after all this work
after all this time
when my room is quiet
i turn on the music
to combat the noise
in my head
it doesn’t make sense
it doesn’t have words
noise just surrounds me
when there is none
around
i can escape it
by keeping busy
activities to fill my days
fill my mind
but one can’t move
all the time
introspection is needed
in a life
but when i sit
silent, still
thinking about myself
is the last thing to do
so invariably i get up
and do
something else
but this time
i’ll stay a while

i can’t understand it
there must be some
explanation
a pattern
some logic
but i can’t find it
and when all i want to do
is cry
for no reason at all 
besides the something wrong
that seems to sit heavily
on my heart
in my mind
at times when the only sound
is the chatter in my head
i find that tears won’t come
so my leg moves
trying to release
some of the tension
that is building inside me
i don’t want to explode
i’m afraid of loud noises
sparks and fire
for this kind of fire 
is potentially fatal
and lying to my mother
feels so damned wrong
am i okay? sure i am!
somehow that’s incongruous 
with the sinking feeling 
that has lodged itself inside me

and now it’s becoming
unbearable
so i needs must go
and occupy this defect
of a mind
with something
other than thinking
a dangerous occupation
i warn you, who
would make it a lifestyle
don’t think too much
i know i do

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