Unrepressed Thinking

"That the soul is a captive, treated humanely" John Astbery Inspired by Self-Portrait In A Convex Mirror, in particular the line above. I have written down some free thinking thoughts with no restraint (not much anyway) to how it makes me look. Perhaps I'm not a lost soul, just a caged one. I'd like to apologise for everything I'm saying. How strange that I feel apologetic for random thoughts What is the yearning, the out of place feeling. That lost in translation feel felt from within where you cannot understand who you are. I spend so much time pondering it but never getting any closer to even identifying my question, let alone being in receipt of the wisdom I seek. I cannot fathom if I am my mind, my soul or some combination of competing forces. My conscious self being quite a drag, whilst my subconscious could be brilliant if only some discipline were applied, but any attempt at discipline results in a strop and any hint at brilliance dissipates and I'm left feeling full of holes. I ponder how I possess so many of the fundamentals I'd purchase if I were shopping to build myself from scratch, but the finished article offends me I'm forever missing a piece which would allow the rest of me to syncronise in some way The shake up of all the pieces that make up me, allowed to settle in some other order that makes more sense It would be more sensible to catalogue and file - recalibrate - I don't get a gut feel this could ever work I could only ever work as some randomised redistribution - second, third, fourth and fifth chances to become who I should be But I'm here, feeling out of place Receiving thank yous from those I interact with Who I've helped to understand something, despite feeling lost myself I float away as if in a hot air balloon never anchoring long enough to thoughts that give the weight to land How frivolous and self indulgent all this muddled thinking is - I shall question that later, berate myself Questioning what happiness is, why am I unsettled There are simple answers to these questions, safety being paramount Not feeling safe as a child has spiralled into over thinking and restlessness within myself Well, this thought exercise is over Perhaps I'm letting my soul out of its cage, seeing if the spreading of wings feels good Or maybe it's more like yodelling, not listening any more for the emptiness void of echo but the call of a fellow yodeler It's a thought experiment, it can go where it likes