Unfathomable Conflict

UNFATHOMABLE CONFLICT How nice to wake up in the morning and admire the golden sunlight, peeping through the white clouds, listen to the melody of a birdsong. For weeks, I was in blankness, numbed and stupefied, unable to feel, think, cry or shed a tear. Now, it is just a memory, is it? The unfathomable conflict I had gone through is still in my mind. Vividly, clearly, I could still see myself in extreme trepidation. The overwhelming fear that enveloped me, shattered my core. Put me in a disturbed state of mind, petrified, terrified, appalled, confused. I was told I was feisty and brave. I had no fear of Corona virus then. Although I was exercising all the precautions of masking, social distancing, I traveled, went to Spa, dined out, and went to outdoor Rock and Roll gigs, wherein, I met friends and danced away. In later part of November, our state implemented the shelter in place order and in the last two weeks of December, fifteen members of my family contracted Corona virus, followed by five more members of the family in the first ten days of January. My mother tested positive of Corona virus on Christmas Eve and her recovery was confirmed three weeks later, when she was rushed to emergency for renal failure and was discharged, per her wishes not to be revived and die at home. Knowing she was dying, I wanted to see her alive for I had not seen her for two months. I was so torn between my desire to see and spend time with her before she passed on and my fear to expose myself and contract the virus from members of my family, who recovered or were still recovering or just contracted the raging and deadly virus. I visited her four times before she passed on and on that Thursday morning, when she died. I dreaded every time I had to see and be with her, for it was like a battle equipping myself with mask doubled with face shield, personal protective equipment and gloves and yet, there was no guarantee if those gears where enough to protect me from all my family members who contracted the virus and knowing that two of them just died from this deadly virus. I was shoulder to shoulder with them, as we all gathered around her death bed in a small bed room, breathing the same air in that small room, in that house, where all contracted the raging virus. Although they were wearing masks, I was petrified. All shaken up, quivering and trembling and unable to breathe, I would run outside to take off the face shield and mask to breathe and stayed there a while to regain my composure and to have enough courage to go back in. Just the thought of exposing myself was so terrifying and the knowledge of the danger I was putting myself into was so frightening, terrifying, alarming, distressing. With extreme trepidation, I did what I had to do. Going through the unfathomable conflict, not once; but multiple times, left me exhausted, drained, numbed for weeks and questioned myself, how I did that for which I don’t have an answer and why for a dying mother. Three weeks after her death, I am pretty certain and assured I am fine because I am well and able to feel again, to think and the blankness is turning around for me to color my world again and leave the unfathomable conflict behind me, undeterred. Composed: 2/12/21 Brian Strand All Yours (Feb 14) Poetry