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UNFATHOMABLE CONFLICT

How nice to wake up in the morning
and admire the golden sunlight,
peeping through the white clouds,
listen to the melody of a birdsong. 

For weeks, I was in blankness,
numbed and stupefied, unable
to feel, think, cry or shed a tear.
Now, it is just a memory, is it?

The unfathomable conflict I had
gone through is still in my mind.
Vividly, clearly, I could still see
myself in extreme trepidation.

The overwhelming fear that
enveloped me, shattered my core.
Put me in a disturbed state of mind,
petrified, terrified, appalled, confused.

I was told I was feisty and brave.
I had no fear of Corona virus then.
Although I was exercising all the
precautions of masking, social distancing,
I traveled, went to Spa, dined out,
and went to outdoor Rock and Roll gigs,
wherein, I met friends and danced away.

In later part of November, our state implemented
the shelter in place order and in the last two weeks
of December, fifteen members of my family
contracted Corona virus, followed by five more
members of the family in the first ten days of January.

My mother tested positive of Corona virus
on Christmas Eve and her recovery was confirmed
three weeks later, when she was rushed to
emergency for renal failure and was discharged,
per her wishes not to be revived and die at home.

Knowing she was dying, I wanted to see her
alive for I had not seen her for two months.
I was so torn between my desire to see 
and spend time with her before she passed on 
and my fear to expose myself and contract
the virus from members of my family, who
recovered or were still recovering or just
contracted the raging and deadly virus.

I visited her four times before she passed on
and on that Thursday morning, when she died.
I dreaded every time I had to see and be
with her, for it was like a battle equipping
myself with mask doubled with face shield,
personal protective equipment and gloves
and yet, there was no guarantee if those gears
where enough to protect me from all my family
members who contracted the virus and knowing
that two of them just died from this deadly virus.

I was shoulder to shoulder with them, as we all
gathered around her death bed in a small bed room,
breathing the same air in that small room, in that
house, where all contracted the raging virus.

Although they were wearing masks, I was petrified.
All shaken up, quivering and trembling and unable
to breathe, I would run outside to take off the face shield
and mask to breathe and stayed there a while to regain
my composure and to have enough courage to go back in.

Just the thought of exposing myself was so terrifying
and the knowledge of the danger I was putting myself
into was so frightening, terrifying, alarming, distressing.
With extreme trepidation, I did what I had to do.

Going through the unfathomable conflict, not once;
but multiple times, left me exhausted, drained, numbed
for weeks and questioned myself, how I did that for
which I don’t have an answer and why for a dying mother.

Three weeks after her death, I am pretty certain
and assured I am fine because I am well and able
to feel again, to think and the blankness is turning
around for me to color my world again and leave
the unfathomable conflict behind me, undeterred.


Composed: 2/12/21            Brian Strand  
All Yours (Feb 14) Poetry
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