Thoughts of Depression

I've always told myself, "never dive too deep for you'll get hurt " but now that I did all I feel is emptiness ,a chance to start all over , be someone new , undo my mistakes , undo my choices... Then I wake up ,realising that it was just a nightmare , something designed to haunt me and want me to feel shallow, feel nothing but pain, then I think of taking a razor blade and cutting open my veins to relieve them, and finally I would be free and do away with pain but death doesn't want me… he doesn't want me to rest , its like he feeds off my suffering so, he sent me back to reality ... my blade mocked me ,told me that I didn't cut deep enough my arm was crying, saying that it was tired of the scars my heart ... still ache with the thought of suicide so since then with each sun set comes a wish, a wish that I close my eyes forever ,be quite and not see the dawn but my wish hasn't been fulfilled i failed to summon a genie to perform me miracles. So every night before bed as I pray i feel confused as to say “thank you lord for another day” … as each day dawns with pain.