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I've never been a big fan of the haibun as a form and have not written one for years... 

 

 

It was a cold morning, but stubborn sunlight shone through dusty blinds on condensated windows. Their crystallised effect shimmered on decaying leaves of a dehydrated indoor plant. By chance, I caught his reflection in the mirror. His pale face was a palette of charcoal circles and pigments of black mixed with beige. I had never seen his eyes so lost, but I recognised his smile peering over an untidy 'George Clooney' stubble. He was staring at two doves sitting on mossy branches of an Autumn tree. Maybe he related to its vulnerability or the empty nests, left behind by departing birds. dewdrops on moss stains - damp feathers softly floating away from bare branch I was always too afraid to ask questions, so I turned on the radio to break the silence and 'Purple Rain' began to play with 'I never meant to cause you any sorrow, never meant to cause you any pain.' The lyrics of the song seemed to connect, as he mumbled the chorus, "Purple Rain.... Purple Rain," but then paused, as the lyrics became complicated. His voice was like an eerie echo in a misty valley. He exhaled a deep sigh, like he was relating to the song and with a heavy heart sat down staring at the grey walls of his room. 'Fast Car' by Tracy Chapman began to play to his distaste. He started to switch through the channels, until he heard 'November Rain.' In a tired tone he repeated the line, " Everybody needs some time alone...." A tear slowly rolled down his cheek, he wiped it away quickly, so that no one would notice. I sang the next lines, "I know it's hard to keep an open heart, when even friends seem out to harm you, but if you could heal a broken heart, wouldn't time be out to charm you? There was no response. I was always good at reaching out to people, but struggled with him. As the song came to an end, I could hear several monotonous sighs, until he got up, turned off the radio and walked out of the room... Dragging me with him, as he put on his smile. emotions like stars fade from black to red to blue - changing like the sky

Copyright © | Year Posted 2024




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12
Date: 2/1/2025 2:48:00 PM
You sure do have your way around it creatively even without being fond of it. A great piece Silent. "Maybe he related to its vulnerability or the empty nests, left behind by departing birds." Maybe. Great work!
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Date: 12/28/2024 2:11:00 PM
great writing!
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Date: 12/27/2024 9:28:00 AM
I am not crazy for this form either but you gave it huge justice. It is amazing and emotive. Love its connection to popular songs.
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Date: 12/27/2024 8:46:00 AM
You say, "I've never been a big fan of the haibun as a form and have not written one for years..." Your pen sure loves writing wonderful haibuns. Words like people come in different shapes/sizes. Sometimes one needs to just say, good bye. Words written in songs, books or letters can spark a strong feeling. Hope you are OK... Have a wonderful/blessed day writing away...............
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Date: 12/26/2024 11:41:00 AM
Life is a journey SO, to be on the same wave length as others is not an easy endeavor, we have to assess them carefully before we give them our all. Music is an excellent tool to achieve this and if necessary even in silence.' The person you write about is lonely and heart broken, yet you notice a smile at some stage. Music and certain lyrics seem to talk to him however, he repeats some words of the song yet 'his voice was like an eerie echo in a misty valley.
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Date: 12/26/2024 11:31:00 AM
Maybe he related the Autumn tree - which is empty in Winter, - to his own vulnerability of 'empty nests left by departing birds.' You do try to speak to him, as you were always good at this , 'but stuggled with him.' Your write of his broken heart is indeed poignent and love your ending '- as the song came to an end .....he got up.....turned off the radio and walked out of the room ..... Dragging me with him as he put on his smile.' Blessings, Jennifer.
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Date: 12/21/2024 7:45:00 PM
Silent One just a thought here. It must be sometimes disappointing when you write with such deep inferences and some do not understand your message. Must be kind of disappointing feeling. When I read this I sense a depressive person. The verse where you mention a pale face... charcoal circles, I am thinking around his eyes. Then I think you use the song's words to describe never wanting to cause pain, as though he feels guilty for what he has done to someone and hopes time will heal his ordeal..
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Tor Avatar
Michael Tor
Date: 12/21/2024 7:52:00 PM
It is obvious he is feeling depressed, he is pale and through the song he hurt someone he feels guit over it and hopes time will fix things and give him closure to normality. It shows emotions we experience in life's journey. Your metaphors and how you used the music lyrics to aid in your message is such a clever technique my friend, and as far as the Halibun form an A Plus from this reader, you nailed it my friend. Thank you Silent One for commenting on my POTD much appreciated. God bless you...
Date: 12/20/2024 5:48:00 AM
- Beautiful and truly sensitive, S.O. - Wishing you a peaceful and Merry Christmas :) - hugs
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Date: 12/19/2024 10:40:00 AM
Nice to see you, SO! I am addicted to the Haibun, and yours, piercing imagery, emotional. Music makes a mood indeed. Two sets and both are smashing!
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Date: 12/17/2024 3:50:00 PM
Pretty darn good, S1, for a form you've never employed before. The haiku seals the deal. :o))
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Date: 12/17/2024 12:07:00 PM
Quite an emotional write SO, an excellent write in a form that I've never attempted. Tom
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Date: 12/17/2024 10:39:00 AM
Wow, S O! For a form you're not a "big fan" of, you do a bang-up job. A beautiful piece of writing.
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Date: 12/17/2024 7:32:00 AM
Stupendous imagery and deep emotions grace this poem to perfection. A masterpiece.
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Date: 12/17/2024 5:17:00 AM
A cold autumn morning with "purple rain" echoers, Very nicely penned
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Date: 12/17/2024 5:07:00 AM
Music motivates, music can set you free, it can take you to other times, other places and even as someone else you see. I love the guitar. I really do have to sing.
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Date: 12/17/2024 4:50:00 AM
I think secretly he was pleased. Some just don't show emotion, but that doesn't mean it didn't resonate, and there was a smile.
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Date: 12/17/2024 3:44:00 AM
This may be your first Haibun. But you have proved yourself to be an expert. You have masterfully connected the raw emotions of man with nature. "Their crystallised effect shimmered on decaying leaves of a dehydrated indoor plant." Like the dehydrated plant, the man in the mirror whose face was a palette of charcoal circles and pigments of black mixed with beige," was also a picture of dehydration. Your attempts at reaching out to him failed, but in the end, there bloomed on his face, a beautiful smile. Lovely, dear Silent One .
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Date: 12/17/2024 2:29:00 AM
Beautiful
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Date: 12/17/2024 1:34:00 AM
—Dear S1,A beautiful written Haibun always knew you had it in you This is such a beautifully poignant piece, layered with raw emotion and delicate imagery. Your descriptions paint an intimate portrait, where even the smallest details—like sunlight on dusty blinds or dewdrops on moss—carry weight and meaning. The way you seem to weave the man and the poet (dead giveaway, George Clooney) adds a subtle vulnerability, connection, isolation, and unspoken struggles all there. Love it...Hugs
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Date: 12/16/2024 7:57:00 PM
beautiful study of detail accessing slices of reflection, of perhaps precious memories...you delicately traced a story within a story, S...incredible 'bun!
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Date: 12/16/2024 5:42:00 PM
This is a deeply moving and fascinating examination of human connection. Attempts at communication or just a quick glance at another person aren't always successful. It may be difficult for us to find genuine pals and know how to handle situations involving them. Extensive periods of time spent in perfect harmony are quite unusual. Life has a tragic side, and you portray it. Your insights undoubtedly leave a lasting effect. Sorry i forgot to submit my poem to your contest three sides of story
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Date: 12/16/2024 3:51:00 PM
so deep and thoughtful, enjoyed messages and haiburns that i discover too thanks poet
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Date: 12/16/2024 2:55:00 PM
Dear S, emotions are forever changing, like you said, the subtle nuances of our feelings come and go, leaving behind their effects on us long after they have passed through us like a wave, very well done my friend.
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Date: 12/16/2024 12:56:00 PM
This has a subtle sweetness and talks of the two sides to a person. It seems an interesting take on the ability to feel more than one emotion at a time and consideration of who gets the final say on mood, even when the resident might be an expert on such things it doesn't always work on themselves. Enjoyed :) (did wonder about the singular 'its' after the plural of doves though lol... Ahh forgive me)
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Tom Woody
Date: 12/16/2024 2:36:00 PM
Ha!
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Di11y Da11y
Date: 12/16/2024 1:10:00 PM
The spell checking was my attempt at humour in relation to your last reply - it was hilarious for all of 1 second, so glad you replied quickly haha. I enjoyed the poem and it's gentle cadence though :)
One Avatar
Silent One
Date: 12/16/2024 1:03:00 PM
Its, in regards to the Autumn tree, which is naked and vulnerable as we come into winter..as the nests are empty and all the leaves have fallen.. not the doves... Your understanding of the theme of the poem is almost spot on.. Thank you for your visit..
Date: 12/16/2024 12:38:00 PM
SO, a very interesting and intimate look at how we relate to each other. Sometimes we glance at another or try to communicate without much luck. Finding true friends and knowing how to deal with them is not something we might do easily. It's a very rare phenomenon to be in sync for hours at a time. There's a sad aspect to life you brilliantly describe within your words. You make an impression for sure with these observations.
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Silent One
Date: 12/16/2024 1:05:00 PM
I appreciate your observations.. Thank you for your visit.. life is a balance of emotions and how we deal with them..
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Book: Reflection on the Important Things