The Night Grandma Broke Wind
Now legends tell in History
of events that shook the world.
But nothing compares to the show we had
that caused my toes to curl.
The story grows each passing year
though some try to rescind.
That snowy night on Christmas Eve
when Grandma Pat broke wind.
Now my Grandma's prim and proper
as a woman of breed and taste.
Her manner's perfect, her clothes pristine
with thick make-up on her face.
A little weird as she speaks her mind...
leaving some of us in shock.
And gladly tells... it was our family
who stood on Plymouth Rock.
But I digress... So to that night
when things got out of hand.
Dinner done. We were by the fire
and a game of Risk was planned.
We all let loose with the children fighting
and the parents talking loud.
When Grandma yells, 'Behave yourselves,
no shenanigans allowed.'
And then it happened... I give my word,
Grandma Pat had broken wind.
Not a little toot... but a fearsome fart
that came from deep within.
My eyes grew wide at such a fart
to make a sailor blush.
Poor Granny froze then dropped her head...
her spirit now was crushed.
The neighbors called quite concerned...
their voices filled with fraught.
'We heard a sound... are you okay?
Has someone there been shot?'
'We're all just fine, ' my Father said.
'I'm sorry for the fuss.
But what you heard... was a mighty fart
that scared the rest of us.'
We watched the fire deep in trance
and pretended not to care.
But our Budgie died, the dog passed out
and the cat fled up the stairs.
My Dad spoke up while Mother cringed,
'You've been saving that a while.'
While Grandma looked on in anguished horror
at the size of Father's smile.
She left the room... she slunk away,
my chuckle could be heard.
When Mother spoke, 'That's enough from you.
Not another word.'
The party carried on... and all were merry
as a bottle of wine was popped.
While Grandma hiding in the bathroom closet...
was drunk on German schnapps.
If truth be told... she changed a bit
after breaking wind that Christmas night.
She was more at ease... less tense and grim,
the Lady seemed more right.
What did I learn? I'm not that squeamish...
so lessor mortals take heart.
When you come to visit... we'll crack a window...
the moment Granny farts.
The End
*For those interested. I will be posing my cartoon on 'webtoon Bob's Your uncle.'
Copyright © David Mchattie | Year Posted 2019
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