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Now legends tell in History 
    of events that shook the world.
But nothing compares to the show we had 
    that caused my toes to curl.
The story grows each passing year 
    though some try to rescind.
That snowy night on Christmas Eve 
    when Grandma Pat broke wind.

Now my Grandma's prim and proper 
    as a woman of breed and taste.
Her manner's perfect, her clothes pristine 
    with thick make-up on her face.
A little weird as she speaks her mind... 
    leaving some of us in shock.
And gladly tells... it was our family 
    who stood on Plymouth Rock.

But I digress... So to that night 
    when things got out of hand.
Dinner done. We were by the fire 
    and a game of Risk was planned.
We all let loose with the children fighting 
    and the parents talking loud.
When Grandma yells, 'Behave yourselves, 
    no shenanigans allowed.'

And then it happened... I give my word, 
    Grandma Pat had broken wind.
Not a little toot... but a fearsome fart 
    that came from deep within.
My eyes grew wide at such a fart 
    to make a sailor blush.
Poor Granny froze then dropped her head... 
    her spirit now was crushed.

The neighbors called quite concerned...
    their voices filled with fraught.
'We heard a sound... are you okay? 
    Has someone there been shot?'
'We're all just fine, ' my Father said. 
    'I'm sorry for the fuss.
But what you heard... was a mighty fart 
    that scared the rest of us.'

We watched the fire deep in trance 
    and pretended not to care.
But our Budgie died, the dog passed out 
    and the cat fled up the stairs.
My Dad spoke up while Mother cringed, 
    'You've been saving that a while.'
While Grandma looked on in anguished horror 
    at the size of Father's smile.

She left the room... she slunk away, 
    my chuckle could be heard.
When Mother spoke, 'That's enough from you. 
    Not another word.'
The party carried on... and all were merry 
    as a bottle of wine was popped.
While Grandma hiding in the bathroom closet... 
    was drunk on German schnapps.

If truth be told... she changed a bit 
    after breaking wind that Christmas night.
She was more at ease... less tense and grim, 
    the Lady seemed more right.
What did I learn? I'm not that squeamish... 
    so lessor mortals take heart.
When you come to visit... we'll crack a window... 
    the moment Granny farts.

                   The End



*For those interested. I will be posing my cartoon on 'webtoon Bob's Your uncle.'
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