The Girl I Used To Be

I look down now And I can just barely see The thin, pale white lines From the girl I used to be The girl who’s not so far gone Not as dead as you think But instead of watching skin bleed She now just puts it in ink As the clock ticked faster The calendar pages flipped More and more time passed And the scars started to slip You hear that she’s clean She has been for years 6 months, one year, two? If only it were that clear. If only she could say she’s better And no urge lingers in her head It’s a part of her now, she won’t escape it At least, not until she’s dead. She’ll spend her whole life chasing That high that she once knew And because she can’t do it herself There’s no danger she won’t pursue. She’d climb the tallest mountains With little fear of fall Because if she took a plunder She’d be at peace, after all. To her, it doesn’t count Grabbing lamps and hot glue Burning isn't cutting It’s an accident, too. She yelps and she complains Griping about the burn When really what it feels like Is a quick, quiet return. Every now and then Her skin feels an itch A jittery, gaping feeling Longing to be stitched. She’ll resist it best she can Deny it till it’s true But still, she’ll never cease to long For the feeling she always knew.