The Directions Nightmare - Both Audio and Text

A month ago, ‘round New Year’s Eve, I headed out of town to spend a casual evening with a few old friends of mine. They told me we would meet for drinks at “Rusty’s Iron Bar,” and afterward we’d make the choice of where we’d go to dine. I landed at the airport and I found the rental desk, then told the lady I would like a “fairly classy car.” And after handing me the keys I very nicely asked, “Can you tell how to get to … ‘Rusty’s Iron Bar’?” “Certainly,” the lady said, “I go there all the time. Now, let me see…when you leave here…you’ll take the second right, Then hang a left at First and Grand, and take the one-way street until you come to…let me see…the seventh traffic light. “Better yet, just take a right the street before. That’s Oak. You’ll pass a little laundry, and an all-night donut shop. And then, I think, you’ll go about a mile straight ahead, to where you’ll find, as I recall, I think - a 4-way stop. “But don’t turn there, keep going straight, I'd say about a mile. You’ll pass a little grocery store, an elementary school, The oldest Baptist church in town, then just across the tracks, the city park, (they just installed a brand new swimming pool.) “And then you’ll turn on Walnut Street…or maybe that one’s Pine. I guess it doesn’t matter ‘cause the road ahead is closed.” By now I clearly realized - to be the way she was - her mind was not just dead…it had completely decomposed! I never saw her take a breath, her babbling never stopped. I finally grabbed her arm and said, “I think I’ll find a map.” She looked at me in disbelief, then rather curtly said, “Just take the way I told you, sir…you’ll be there in a snap.” Well, I was never happier to leave a human being. Relieved to get away from her, I hurried to my car, And as I left the lot I asked the guy inside the booth, “Do you know the quickest way to ‘Rusty’s Iron Bar’?” “Yes, I do,” he proudly said. “It’s quite a fancy place. My friends and I all go there after bowling, Friday nights. It’s probably twenty minutes from the airport to the bar. As you leave here, take a left, go through a couple lights… “Then take another left on Third…go past the Stop-N-Go…then keep on going, let me see…I s’pose around a mile… Until you come to Highway 26…then hang a right. The roadwork isn’t finished, so they’ll take you single file. “And when the flag car turns you loose, I think the lane you’ll want will be the one that says, ‘To Union City – straight ahead.’ Take that road to Western Drive, which takes you north to Elm. Go left on Elm, then right on Spruce…or…take a left instead. “That is where the road becomes a One-Way…going south. By turning either way you’ll come to something headed north. They’re changing all the streets around to help the traffic flow. It’s s’posed to make it easier for gettin’ back and forth! “Once you’re headed north again it’s really not too bad. Just watch for two big boulders, and a little flashing sign. The bar’s behind the car wash, so it’s kinda hard to see. Tell the barmaids, ‘Hi…from Roy.’ They’re all good friends o’ mine.” I threw the car in park, got out, and handed him the keys, then sat down on the curb and, for a moment, actually cried! I couldn’t move for quite a while, and I’m prepared to swear….Roy had to be related to that woman back inside. It looked as though the only way I’d make it to the bar would be to call a cab, and so I did exactly that. But when I said, “I’m tryin’ to get to Rusty’s Iron Bar,” he turned around and asked me…“Can you tell me where it’s at?” “No, I can’t,” I yelled at him. Then he yelled back at me, “Then find someone who knows the way…and rent yourself a car.” I slugged him in the nose…he called the cops…they jailed my ass… And to this day I’ve never been to - Rusty’s Iron Bar!