The Deletable Poem Where I'D Just Not Got My Head Round the Idea

My throat feels like it closes As I didn't speak up Like I didn't know my thoughts I knew my wishes clearly I'm in no doubt But now I'm trapped It can't be a step forward If I feel enclosed Like choices and decisions made for me It's too hard to say anything I'm not sure if my subconscious will I have the fear of the night terrors But also almost wish them to speak for me I'm not happy in this space So I'm just crying alone but in company Still not making a noise or being noticed Because the moment to speak Passed me by and now I can't I didn't post the words last night But I did wake from sleep Politely terrorised in my sleep I sat up apologising for imposing Who does that?! I'd dreamt I'd put elastic round my finger To try and remove my wedding ring But I'd forgotten and it hurt This isn't the format usually I usually wake up to protect myself I just need time to pass I'm just put out that's all I wanted space to consider But everything went back to normal yesterday Because it wasn't convenient And I keep getting a bad press For giving short answers Because there is no right way to be Authenticity doesn't rule here I must think what people will think If I haven't heard something mumbled Then I've deliberately ignored him If I sit next to him I've avoided eye contact I didn't feel that was reconciliation I felt it was the same old same old And I don't want to scream for my space I just wanted to be allowed it My throat hurts Usually that's because I did scream in my sleep I only remember apologising in a half dream Maybe that hurt my throat just as much