The Big Interview

Sam Dumpty here for National Geoplastic Magazine. Fox news has once again scored an amazing coup by securing an interview with an angel. But not just any angel folks, we're talking the big Kahuna, the Prince of Darkness, the Ogre of all ogres, the Bad Boy of bad boys... well, you get the idea. Of all the interviews I've ever done, this one is the biggie. The setting (by his request): Starbucks on Ventura boulevard in East L.A. I order a vanilla latte, cold. The tension in the room is palpable, the anticipation almost unbearable. I was told he likes to be fashionably late and sure enough, we're already an hour past the scheduled time. Just as everyone is about to pack up, in walks this dude in an Elvis suit with a huge entourage. I think to myself - is this some kind of joke? But as I look closer, the red skin and conspicuous horns give him away. That's our guy all right! He takes a seat at my table and orders a pumpkin spice latte, extra hot. For a moment, everything sems to be going in slo-mo. As his drink arrives, his eyes suddenly meet mine, sending a chill down my spine. Nevertheless, I am determined to carry on. Sam: "Elvis?" Devil: "Ha! What can I say? My PR demon has a wicked sense of humor." Sam: "Gotcha. I understand you're a busy fellow and have only granted us five to ten minutes, so let's get right into it, shall we?" Devil: "This is your gig, dude. Go for it." Sam: "You've got a reputation for evil, to say the least. Any truth to the accusation?" Devil: "FAKE NEWS! LIES! Hey, why am I being interviewed by a talking egg anyway? I was promised an interview with Dan Rather, he does all the rock stars, and I am the Rock Star of rock stars, so what's the deal? I'm blowing this pop stand..." (Cameras off, the director and production staff rush out to placate the raving diva. After a bit, things calm down and the interview resumes) Sam: "Sorry about the last-minute substitution, Mr. Rather had a more pressing interview appointment today, a certain Mick Jagger. Do you know him?" Devil: "We're buds. Or at least we were. I don't like to be upstaged." Sam: "Now, you've been a world traveler for some, oh, six thousand years or so. Got a favorite food?" Devil: "Devilled eggs. Ha! Always wanted to say that. Uh, can I get a booyah? (crowd responds - BOOYAH! BOOYAH!) Seriously though, there's nothing like corn fed Texas beef. Thick, rare, juicy. Yum." Sam: "Nice. Is there anything you haven't done? Anything on your bucket list?" Devil: "World domination. Oh, wait! Got that one already, muwahahahaha. Uh, let me see... Well, always wanted to visit the North Pole but I'm really, really sensitive to the cold. Oh, and I've never bungeed over the Grand Canyon. Can't seem to get up the nerve." Sam: "I see we are just about out of time. One final question: Rumor has it your reign of terror is soon to come to an end. Your response?" Devil: "FAKE NEWS! LIES! I'm running for a third epoch. I don't care about the rules. You won't get rid of me that easy! I plan on ruling for another thousand years. No, make that two thousand! I've got my homeys to back me..." Dumpty here. We had to cut the cameras as that last question provoked an hour-long tirade that quickly descended into a rather profane rant. To be honest, we were all a bit surprised he managed to avoid censorship during the interview at all. I guess it just goes to show that even a bad boy can tame down for a few moments if he tries really hard. This is Sam Dumpty for National Geoplastic Magazine, signing off-