Take This With a Pinch of Salt

Exploring your soul is beautiful But to do so is frightening Relinquishing of rules Rejecting labels Soul searching can look and feel like you are broken The cracks form, but light floods in The reality of self imposed constraints suddenly feels like your arms are bound to your sides There's a terror that runs through your brain "what if my sanity is compromised" There's too much pressure on conformity The alternative to conformity isn't being off the rails - it's making new tracks - flying into the sky, paving your own way whilst looking around and taking it in... I can tell you I'm terrified, often. "what does it mean!?" Silently yelled into the void. And yes, I was created by events but I'm not actually ill. I've checked. I've met others like me and they are artists - I haven't embraced what it is to be me before - just desperately tried to control it and felt frustration because I can see how successful that can be - I've achieved so much using half of my heart it's dizzying to think what I'd have done if I'd embraced a passion This poem is a spill and spiral from an intensely stressful day but perhaps others need to not fear soul searching and the existential crisis that comes with it What does embracing it look like? Don't ask me, I'm a conformist. I break free in tiny bursts to dance unrestrained like gravity doesn't apply to me or I don't know... maybe the rest is private I don't question the universe as a scholar - as questions and answers aren't my dance... I just feel intensely and bizarrely. I just imagined that as when you make your own guacamole and there are zings happening and it's pretty much a spiritual experience (the reasons I share my thoughts as an anonymous poet sometimes are very clear!) Is guacamole made without a recipe one of the beautiful things in the universe - yes, of course. It's a taste of heaven. Is this going to be a weird marketing campaign for my own branded guacamole?! I'd love that but I buy the avocados and leave them in the sun half the time - sometimes that kind of thing happens. It doesn't mean dreams cease to exist... Expressive freedom is beautiful and it's impossible to know where it leads as the steps aren't in and of themselves anything at all... Just eccentricity. Creativity isn't effort and reward the way conformity is, so it's easy to abandon it... Soul searching isn't likely to result in the finding of the meaning of life for me - but it will mean I truly exist in moments, experience those seconds where all the light floods in and something amazing takes place - perhaps creative flow on a tiny tiny scale People might say "what are you like" and embrace it because the answer is "I'm finding out"