Tail Spin, Revised
This page shows my writing process and is part of Poetrysoup's first workshop. The workshop's intent is to reveal how revision strengthens a poem. Constructive feedback can be a gift. Should any journal editor provide suggestions to me, I'd eagerly listen. This 'reveal' will be archived, may be used as a teaching tool for newer poets. Thank you to all the workshop participants. You really put your heart into this project.
Clammy palmed, heart amplifying
a heavy metal gallop as if thick smoke fills
the corridor, a face peers through the window;
A pilot warns, we’re coming in rough.
Like that first ear piercing, eyes crammed shut;
Like Jamie Lee Curtis in the closet
clutching a hanger, screaming to wake herself up.
A memory of brakes failing on the highway,
of an empty pantry, then getting that pink slip.
Too much, too much, panic takes hold,
a lockdown, a breakdown, a savage dog bite —
when the cure was still a stab to the belly,
Like you just saying to me
I’m not sure if I love you, anymore.
Version Two, May 7, 2015
ROLLERCOASTER RIDE,
Clammy palmed, heart amplifying
a heavy metal gallop as if thick smoke
chokes the corridor, a face cracks the window
or the pilot says, we’re coming in rough.
Refrains, this'll hurt me more than it hurts you;
Ma'am, three weeks til we get the results,
a long dreamed pregnancy, sudden bleeding,
mother in her coffin, ear to frigid wood.
Like razors in an apple,
like Jamie Lee Curtis in the closet
clutching a hanger, screaming to wake herself up.
A memory of brakes failing on the highway,
of a skeletal pantry, of a bullet hole.
Too much, too much, panic takes hold,
a lockdown, a breakdown, a savage dog bite —
when the cure was still a stab to the belly,
Like you just saying to me
I’m not sure if I love you, anymore.
Version 3 -- tighter, more erratic, rapid fire.
TAIL SPIN
Clammy palmed, heart amplifying
a heavy metal gallop as if smoke
chokes corridors, a face cracks the window,
the pilot yells, we’re coming in rough.
Remember, soap in the mouth,
Remember, you want somethin' to cry about.
An awaited pregnancy, sudden bleeding,
mother's coffin, ear to frigid wood.
Like razors in apples,
like Jamie Lee Curtis in a closet
grappling that hanger, my parallel life,
brakes failing on the highway,
skeletal pantry, new bullet holes.
too much, too much, panic takes hold,
lockdown, breakdown, dog bite —
when the cure was a stab to the belly
like you just saying to me
I’m not sure if I love you, anymore.
Version 4
TAIL SPIN
Remember, soap in mouth,
I'll give you somethin' to cry about,
clammy palmed, heart amplifying
a heavy metal gallop,
as if smoke choked corridors,
a face cracked the window,
the pilot's croak,
we’re coming in rough,
Mother's coffin,
ear to frigid wood,
pregnant, at last,
then suddenly bleeding.
Like one Halloween,
a razor hid in my apple,
shrapnel in our bedroom door,
too much, panic takes hold,
lockdown, breakdown, rabid bite —
when the cure was a stab to the belly
like you just saying to me
I’m not sure if I love you, anymore.
Revised:
TAIL SPIN
Remember, soap in mouth,
I'll give you somethin' to cry about,
clammy palmed, heart amplifying
a heavy metal gallop,
as if smoke choked corridors,
a face rattled the window,
the pilot croaked,
we’re coming in rough,
Mother's coffin,
ear to finished wood,
pregnant, at last,
then suddenly bleeding.
Like one Halloween
a razor cored my apple,
shrapnel in our bedroom door,
too much, panic takes hold,
lockdown, breakdown, rabid bite —
when the cure was a stab to the belly
like you just saying to me
I’m not sure if I love you, anymore.
Revised 6
TAIL SPIN
Remember, soap in mouth,
I'll give you somethin' to cry about,
clammy palmed, heart amplified
a heavy metal gallop,
as if smoke choked corridors,
a face rattled the window,
turbulence, warnings,
we’re coming in rough,
Mother's coffin,
ear to finished wood,
pregnant, at last,
then suddenly bleeding.
Like one Halloween
a razor cored my apple,
shrapnel in our bedroom door,
too much, panic takes hold,
lockdown, breakdown, rabid bite —
when the cure was a stab to the belly
like you just saying to me
I’m not sure if I love you anymore.
Revised 7 -- I am happy with this one, finally... any more takers? LOL
TAIL SPIN
Remember, soap in mouth,
I'll give you somethin' to cry about,
clammy palmed, heart amplified
a heavy metal gallop,
as if smoke choked corridors,
a face rattled the window,
turbulence, warnings,
we’re coming in rough,
Mother's coffin,
ear to finished wood,
pregnant, at last,
then suddenly bleeding.
Like one Halloween
a razor cored my apple,
shrapnel in our bedroom door,
too much, panic takes hold,
lockdown, breakdown, rabid bite —
when the cure was a stab to the belly
like you just saying to me
I’m not sure
if I love you anymore.
Revision 10 -- thank you EVERYONE
TAIL SPIN
Remember, soap in mouth,
I'll give you somethin' to cry about,
clammy palmed, heart amplified
a heavy metal gallop,
as if smoke choked corridors,
a face rattled the window,
turbulence, warnings,
we’re coming in rough,
Mother's coffin,
ear to finished wood,
pregnant, at last
overjoyed — sudden blood.
Like one unforgettable night
a razor cored my apple,
shrapnel pricked our bedroom door,
too much, panic takes hold,
lockdown, breakdown, rabid bite —
when the cure was a stab to the belly
like you just saying to me
I’m not sure
if I love you anymore.
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