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Suicide Warning

If you are someone who I love and care for very dearly, and you are feeling suicidal and do not reach out to me, I just want you to know that if you do succeed, in bringing to fruition this most cowardly deed, not one ounce of my grief will you ever receive, because while you may or may not be resting in peace, All Of The Survivors You Left Behind Will Suffer Horribly, and anyone who could do anything like that to anybody, gets no respect from me and certainly not my grief.

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Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 6/2/2017 7:09:00 PM

I grieved and still grieve my mother's suicide, but I realize that she was mentally ill and had convinced herself she was a burden. For me, it wasn't about respect. It was simply about deep sorrow, for her, for me, for my younger sister. I had a dream once where I died and she was sitting outside of heaven, the gates were open, but she refused to go in.. too ashamed and she told me sorry, I love you and I woke and sobbed ... love doesn't stop. Even when we wish it would. Hugs... Cyndi

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 6/3/2017 7:55:00 PM

I fluctuated between acceptance and anger over and over when I became a mother. I'd think, this is so hard and I'm not mentally ill... then, I'd think, how could you abandon your daughters? We weren't ready! One day, I just let it all go... but, as said, it took a very long time.

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 6/3/2017 7:53:00 PM

Anger is a part of the grief process, but when it comes to suicide the grief process changes. The anger stage lasts longer... denial, too, is much longer. And ACCEPTANCE? That isn't two years. That isn't even ten years. Two decades? Maybe... but I got there.

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 6/3/2017 7:49:00 PM

I'm sorry that you've been through it, too. My mom was moving out on her 45th birthday (divorce.) I'd moved out, but we talked every day. Sometimes she called me at 2 am. I was eighteen. I asked her to get help, told her I couldn't help her alone.

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 6/3/2017 7:49:00 PM

She hung herself on a stairwell. I watched as they wheeled her out. No note, but lots of signs... this was her second attempt. Families can do nothing! Their hands are tied...

Billy Thekidster
Date: 6/2/2017 7:19:00 PM

I guess I should have mentioned that this was inspired by my best friend who hanged himself. No note, no sign that anything wrong at all was going on.

Billy Thekidster
Date: 6/2/2017 7:19:00 PM

I was with him the night before, we had a great time, but to this day I have no fond memories of him for what he did. My only thoughts about him are always "Why The Hell Did You Do IT!? I would have been there for you. I'm So Angry At You For That!" - so sorry for all you have been through Cyndi.