Still Thirteen

a ma lingering effect from angst riddled adolescence written some years ago, the psycho social mental events indelible imprint etched psyche ova this pa on a win tree day hence though a survivor of self starvation i yam confounded what drove this emotional, physical and spiritual sense less (and socially costly) ambition to die with fur vents see, that invariably can let me be linkedin to other gals or gents enduring the quotidian onslaught of this immense lee debilitating illness of the mind, where emaciation reveals abs cents of properly healthy flesh, which grim reaper insignia viz skull and cross bones readies to snatch a body to dispense. despite forty three birthdays elapsed since cataclysmic eruption rent asunder while ironclad maiden of deathly hallows clasped psyche, an internal maelstrom wrenched worthiness pitting mien as blunder bulldozing with razorblades former childhood wondrous glee raising suicide quiet riotous ambition, a painfully slow (self starvation) mine inexorable ride which chronological frieze kept hog tied and hide bound this one grown male dredging haunting spectre – where to be gratefully dead – within elysian dale youngest o me two female progeny segued untrammeled ten plus eight years on february fourth two thousand seventeen triggers flashback to wretched tears sans that insidious roiling jagged stone shredding/ thwarting desire to be alive shockwaves extant to this day - no matter long since recovered from nose dive emotional, psychological & social repercussions hound me present mental state indelible permanent scars (per anxiety, panicky, quirky tics) seem never to abate try as I might to shake free from the riptide affects that drowned this boy to grow he experiences an especially perilous remembrance of that abysmal infernal woe when thee second punim o thine two lovely offspring passed that milestone age with nary a hint how her papa felt locked up within his abysmal agonizing stage impossible to forgive permanent harm inflicted not only on self but searing pain my late mother & octogenarian father whose angst this dada insight re: did gain from bringing forth his own progeny each a smart reed exploring cornucopia of life experiences - unlike mice elf at their ages which years eclipsed at break neck speed whereby each special daughter - daring to block and tackle challenges indeed with great rolly poetry to engender.