she never said she loved me

She never said she loved me. My mother shone when she spoke of my brother he was the firstborn when the world was magical she loved him and did not tolerate any criticism of his behavior I, the younger son, was often ill and sent away  to a children's home and later to a farm for me it was beneficial, my health recovered, but I was the absent child He died relatively young, and his mother was devastated  think she never overcame her grief. I later asked her and later regretted asking her if she had a choice, whom would she prefer to die first me or my brother She didn't want anyone's death, but she didn't know me since I was always absent at the farm in the morning, leaning my head  against a cow's womb, I wished my mother would  love as much as she loved my brother I joined the merchant fleet; when returning  I flung my arms around and told her I loved her That's nice, she said and asked if I wanted coffee She never said; I love you, son, only thing in the world, I had wanted her to say