Scared of the Past

I am terrified of the past. My mind has tried so hard to hide the things that went on. I have no memory of it but I know it happened. I can feel it deep inside of me My mind has the memories locked inside a vault that I can't even reach. I don't want to reach it. I'm terrified of what is going to pop out of the vault. The past was a dark place. My body remembers the things that were done to me even though my mind doesn't. I find myself pushing away the ones I love because there is something deep down inside of me that is missing. And I know that whatever it is i'm never going to get it back. And I don't want it back because that means i'm welcoming back all the treacherous feelings that made my heart so cold