Pain and Love and the Long Goodbye

this is about pain and love when i listen to myself i hear bitterness, anger, longing, hurt frozen in time, never aging i was 25 years younger 46 years later, i’m 21 years older i never think of him as what he’d be like today never about “what if” now it’s always then everything was black or white half good, half not so much the good was shared, the rest, rarely he had all the control like everyone else, i waited for his next move, his direction on the rare occasions he needed a lamb i was the one on the alter when we said “see you later” for the last time he knew we would never see each other again and that he screwed up i could see it in his eyes hear it in his voice there was so much unfinished he didn't know who or what else to be he was reflective, as if asking, “does it have to be this way?” if he had asked i wouldn’t have had an answer i wanted more of what little there was and or at least some of what i didn’t get that was never going to be possible i’ve finally come to terms it’s been a long goodbye