Pain and Love and the Long Goodbye
this is about pain and love
when i listen to myself
i hear bitterness, anger,
longing, hurt
frozen in time,
never aging
i was 25 years younger
46 years later,
i’m 21 years older
i never think of him as
what he’d be like today
never about “what if” now
it’s always then
everything was black or white
half good, half not so much
the good was shared,
the rest, rarely
he had all the control
like everyone else,
i waited for his next move,
his direction
on the rare occasions
he needed a lamb
i was the one
on the alter
when we said “see you later”
for the last time
he knew we would never
see each other again
and that he screwed up
i could see it in his eyes
hear it in his voice
there was so much unfinished
he didn't know
who or what else to be
he was reflective,
as if asking,
“does it have to be this way?”
if he had asked
i wouldn’t have had an answer
i wanted more
of what little there was
and or at least some of
what i didn’t get
that was never
going to be possible
i’ve finally come to terms
it’s been a long goodbye
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