Nowadays

Nowadays I find myself In church windows reflected By the surface of my tea, Too hot to drink. I try anyway, My nose against a brick wall, (This Jasmine is my sledgehammer) I burn my tongue, (This Jasmine is a non-factor) I set it back down. I see the fractured, colored glass shimmer in my mug. Am I like the image of the lamp in the tea? Glowing for no reason? Nowadays I rarely find myself. I take orders. If I did find myself, I wouldn’t recognize me, anyway. It’s just these fractured lights I remember. Beaming like living lanterns shining towards the way to goodness. Like I use to. Like I use to be. But now I think life is a quantifiable bucket, The bucket half-empty, half-over and me completely stir-fried, Gazing over what I see as minefields. Nowadays I go back-and-forth. As it suits me, As it suits the occasion, I wrangle and ramble, dribbling and babbling Staggering through empty suburban warfare. Nowadays I thank God for the emptiness. The minutiae, the random acts of silence Can send shock-waves through the spirits made of light, Secretly keeping them in rhythm for the rest of their lives. One day I will drop my post as the Barbarian Guardian of Willy-Nilly. One day I will remember what all the colors mean. One day I will remember what all the glowing was about. One day I will skip lousy repetition, And never repeat a mistake again.