My Friend Mary

Remembering our friendship how we'd talk for hours about any topic family love kids life how it hurt not to hear from one another sending cards pictures letters remember that I remember so well that achy lonely feeling watching snow flakes fall or raindrops hit the windows wondering if you were seeing the same pebbles high on top of the sky scrapers silly me I learned to just have my coffee alone everyday sitting with that same smiley face cup until it broke I replaced it with a beach chair yes with that pink flamingo and all and of course My big beach hat I remembered wearing it early morning hours I arrived funny there you were waiting for me remember that embrace I can still taste the salt water tear drops on your cheek that smell of the gulf on first street watching the sun rise over the bridge thinking everything is going to be okay now from a simple touch why was that touch so fallible it took years to have again we were wishing waiting talking everyday can you imagine that way before facetime text messages we certainly couldn't send a page to one another an yet we kelp a constant line of communication operator can you please connect this call sharing each other's hopes dreams listening to each other's bad days good days finding solutions to make each and every day okay remember that against all odds my favorite song and nothing can come between us funny right well I have to admit I've been so desperately trying not to feel that friendship I must believe it was only for the ages that famous saying for our time maybe our times just wasn't ours at all it was his hers theirs we were an endless conversation for everyone around us waiting watching the crucial destruction of trust giving caring so deeply for one another I never fathomed just how it felt to share such a love I didn't know it was love because I needed a friend so did you we couldn't even use love then not in those days not the way love should be used the love catchers on thee other hand snarled gnarled pulling our hands apart like two little children playing in a field of dreams like we weren't allowed this made me lonesome very very lonesome trying to figure out why you couldn't show yourself why you just couldn't come out i know now we weren't supposed to become friends we weren't supposed to fall in love this must have sent the fbi into a freinzy it had to be destroyed killed i understand now why you began sending strangers inside my home to read my personal journal I wondered why you didn't just knock this eerie eerie truth it frightened me to death I can't believe I never stopped writing you letters I never sent decades of poetry they became a grand novel a complete scrapbook of our lives together apart while you became invisble i overstand why you could never ever hug me hold my hand wink at me ever again you were never my friend i was only this tool i certainly wasn't important enough to save just a tool I can't imagine I was even seen as human at this point a tool keeping that line of communication open to get you out of prison early part of a payoff a deal that required me to where wires around my unborn babies buying weapons and drugs the fbi told me how dangerous you were to so many people I couldn't see that then I guess I was a cleshe that lonely battered woman in use there were times I believed the fbi were my best friends it didn't always seems like a job we went to eat as a family laughed the supervisor even sang my girl to my kids to distract them in case I was killed in a hostage situation today god only knows how many violent offenders expectations to be released early under my wearing wires pregnant for the FBI i wonder do they know me do they hate me are they coming to kill me again I never know who they are i just listen for gunfire maybe a blessing maybe a curse sense my injury I can read our letters and embrace yet a beautiful time when I needed this imaginary friendship of ours to manage grief pain and suffering and when it began fading I began writing holding nothing back it was easy coming to the realization that it wasn't real the greatest gift that came from it all my real true friendship with your mother Mary and I we spent hours talking about everything family life love children flowers cards and friendship I miss my friend Mary mostly during holy week we never missed sending out the cards not once until she got too sick she just loved sending out Birthday Christmas and most of all Easter cards.