Little Girl

I'm not good enough. I long to be good enough, yet that dream has not yet been realized and I wonder if it ever will be. Lately I feel empty and hollow. How did I they get this way? What led to this? What's wrong with me? I feel lost. I'm wandering around within my mind. I don't allow myself to trust anybody to help me, been there, done that. It only ends more pain, more shame and more hurt ... I'm on my own with this. So I write about it, because that's what I know how to do, and the writing pacifies me and teases me out of my own thoughts. I have so much hurt and anger, and it's bubbling to the surface. I see myself as a child. I see a little girl sitting in the dark corner, hugging her knees and trying to be small and out of the way. When she looks at me, her eyes are full of terrible anger, rage and pain. She is scared. I have never seen myself so dark, but she is undeniably me and she must have existed at that time of my life. I have ignored her, I chose to ignore her, because she did not fit the image I have for myself. She makes me think of everything that happened to me. So much pain, so much hurt. She was rejected, hated, abused, never good enough. I don't know what to say to her, this child of my past. I don't know how to help her exist, how to bring to life all the things that I've repressed. I want to express it all, but I don't know how. And I look for something, anyting, to show me the way. I suppose there is no way, no roadmap, nothing but fumbling in the dark. I tried to ignore her but every night when I close my eyes I see her, but I but I cannot tell her I am here for her. I cannot help her or stop her anger or pain. I don't know how. She wants, needs something, and I don't know what to do, or how to help her. I don't know where to go from here.