List of limericks and other funny tricks III

When Cheryl had Daryl over a barrel, he yelled "What'sya gonna do?" She said, "For claiming you were sterile, at your own peril, I'm gonna cram this rat that’s feral right up the backside of you." I asked, "Can you do me a favor?" She joked, "Of what kind or what flavor?" I said, "What you got to offer?" She said, "Peek inside my coffer ~ and grab anything you might savor." As green, young grunts in the Marines ~ we near lost the battle of New Orleans, cuz we all got diarrhea, eating gator skin tortilla, and two bowls of Cajun pork and beans. Have you ever stopped to consider, how much time you waste on a sh-tter? Why not try writing a diary about all that you hear, smell, and see; then sell it to the highest bidder. Be careful when you go to Crete. The cops there aren't any too sweet. Hell, they'll even give you a ticket, if you buy an ice cream and lick it on the wrong side of the street. I asked her if she wanted to go. She said, "To where?" I said, “I don't know.” She said, “Wow, that’s really wild! Ever since I was a child that's where I longed to go ~ how'd you know?” Oxygen, hydrogen ~ one on two ~ that's what these two gases tend to do. And just to be funny, ha, ha, ha ~ they form a perfect ménage à trois, to make water for me and for you. What I saw in your vicinity was seductive femininity. And the wiles that entered my head, I very quickly put to bed for fear of the Holy Trinity. Holy bejeezus! Time ran out for getting things straight with Jesus! And now I'm dead, with only the prospect of hell ahead, when in fact, I’d wanted to go somewhere where it sometimes also freezes. Sometimes, bad verse creeps into my brain, and echoes there like a sick refrain. And when I beg it to please go, it sometimes flatly say, "Hell no," and willfully decide to remain. He lifts his leg. Not a drop of pee! For Bix, it's marking try #twenty-three. By now, his bladder is plum dry, but that won't stop this little guy. Mass marking is in his pedigree. "No, no, no, no, no!" said the bawd to the beau. "You may be better looking, but that don't mean I'm cooking, or doing dishes ten days in a row. After not having seen me for years, Mimi stroked my face devoid of hairs. And she quipped, "Now you're twice as cute as then when you were still hirsute, and your bristly cheek hairs stung like spears. I ask, "Dear, what is this anger for?" She shouts, "I just can't take it anymore! Let's just say, our race's been run!" "No! It's just begun. Je t’adore!" "Sure!" She shoves me out and shuts the door. She was such a delectable dish! She said, “I’ll see you around 8-ish?” So I rang the bell on her door, a good fifteen minutes before, cuz I didn't wanna be late-ish. The first time I fell deeply in love, it was one I made a real hash of. So many unforced mistakes that she still does double takes, and curses me to the gods above. I can’t believe this guy! He just tried to pick the apple of my eye! I said, "Are you serious? You think she would want you? That's hilarious!” Two weeks later, guess who I saw walking by. This inn serves water from toilet to tap. Surprise! It doesn't taste a bit like crap. We cleanse our water till it's as pure as freshest spring water, that's for sure. So, why are you holding your nose, old chap? Each time I hear Hark, the angel, sing, I think "Wow, what an amazing thing!” Hark can as thunderously bellow as any other show biz fellow, and knock off her socks and everything. Jill and I don't speak in many words. We tend to communicate like birds. In zany tweets and wacky twitter, she teases me, whereas I kid her, in fab fields of sillies and absurds. An atom's proton asked the neutron, "Hey, Bud. Do'ya know what's going on?" "Yeah, sure. We're about to be split. So, that'll be the end of it. Watch out for the flash. Keep your shades on." I know an Obi-Wan Kenobi, an English teacher from Nairobi, where he lives with his young wife and two twins, who are his life: one's named Dick ~ the other one Moby. If there was ever a time for now, it looks to me you missed it somehow. Although, I'm sure I did mention ~ you'd best be paying attention. Or is that now ~ what you'll disavow. Let our bygones be bygones, my dear. And let's quaff the last of this beer. And while the old moon gapes, let's traipse like some wild apes, haply into a phosphorous New Year.