Limericks
Johnny and Amber
To get my mind off war and inflation
I’ve watched the trial for defamation.
But from what I’ve heard
that scorned Amber Turd
should be on trial for defecation!
****
Romance in Durango
We met south of the border in Durango,
she was hot and boy could she fandango.
She said at a glance
“senor like to dance?”
No mamacita, but I would love to tango!
****
In a Singles Bar
Trollin’ at the bar her leg he did touch,
she was so sexy and gorgeous and such.
He said wanna go? You’re fine!
She flirted “your place or mine?”
Nah, forget it darlin’, you talk too much!
****
Confessions From the Grave
It’s not so bad being dead and all,
it’s quiet in here where the worms crawl.
I wouldn’t say it’s bliss
but there’s not much I miss
‘cept a cold beer and a booty call!
****
My Lawyer the Idiot
The law is an ass and I was a victim,
so was my lawyer, his head up his rictum.
In matters of all things legal
more a turkey than an eagle
who doesn’t know his coccyx from his dictum!
****
Quickdraw
Slow down cowboy and reload she mocked
and next time try not to go off half-cocked.
Then she said with a snig-ger
you’re too fast on the trigger
but who fu-ckin cares, my world was rocked!
****
The Butterfly Effect
I do love to go down on their wings and lie
and see ‘em spread their open legs up high.
But if you are down there
be sure to come up for air
out of the bush of the Venus Butterfly!
****
Custer
At Little Big Horn in the prairie grass
Custer was known as Yellow Hair alas.
But it was Custer who fell
and Crazy Horse they tell
was from that day on known as Kicking Ass!
****
No Hurry
I hope my poems in their entirety
live on beyond my notoriety.
But I sure don’t wanna
be the guest of honour
read at the Dead Poet’s Society!
****
Batter Up
I post on the Soup for all to see
and am no angel nor claim to be.
I am kind and all that
but carry a big bat
so beware the “batter up” in me!
****
Now That’s a Fairytale
Mirror mirror on the wall she wants me so
but I am little and she is white as snow.
From Bashful to Happy I morph
singing like a horny little dwarf
Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho! It’s off to twerk we go!
****
Twins
I only had eyes for you when we first met
and yes blondes have more fun it’s true my pet.
How we walked hand in hand
and rolled naked in the sand…
“fu-ck you! That was my sister, I’m a brunette!”
****
Bankers or Bandits?
At the ATM I just want to harangue
my bank for the fees it upon me sprang.
When I do I get fobbed
and feel like I’ve been robbed
by the outlaw hole in the wall gang!
****
Safe Sex
She said “I’m not some cheap bimbo whore
but have six kids and don’t want any more”.
Relax I said, my name’s Rex
and I do practice safe sex…
it’s true, I always lock the car door!
****
Hillary Clinton
She is a White House witch and feminazi
who rides her big broom like a kamikaze.
The honesty test she fails,
she lied about her emails
and covered up the truth about Benghazi!
****
Beer Goggles
No, no, the drinks are on me I told her
and with each one I was gettin’ bolder.
When I woke the next day
oh jeez, well let’s just say
beauty’s in the eye of the beerholder!
****
For Sheriff Koplin and Deputy Tom
In Milt Creek up there in North Dakota
the law is an ass and a big fat bloater.
He calls himself sheriff
but I just call him Griff
and he’s a troll and my stalking doter!
Gun in one hand and dick in the other
he thinks he’s Wyatt Earp, O’ brother!
With his deputy, Tom,
a witless numpty pom
together are as dumb as one another!
He’s Peter Griffin with a badge!
Note: A pom is an Englishman.
****
Copyright © Keith D Trestrail | Year Posted 2022
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