I'M a Mess

I'm a mess, but I'm trying to Clean up Been through the storm, I'm crying from these cuts I mess up more things than I get right This is the worst of me, so how can I give you the best life? No one to hug me, so I hold my pen tight and move it slow Trying to think of the perfect words and hope I don't lose the flow a million thoughts in a mind of pain, I'm struggling to express myself Scared I'll relapse with self-harm, I need to get the help Empty Brandy bottles surround the table I sit at with my pad Anxiety forces me to over think everything to the point where I'm sad Going out to the club every weekend, becoming a regular with the bartender Taking more shots than a gang member I still hate my parents for choosing alcohol over me and placing me in foster care in my childhood Pauline died a month ago, will heaven allow you to send me a hug? I need something, i just need to know I'm worthy of happiness and love How come it's never been enough, even when I gave all that I could? Depression won't leave me, it just goes on hiatus here and there What I write are the tears I share I no longer know the difference between nightmares and dreams I'm a mess and maybe I'm not worthy of being clean