I wish I had contest

"The ego within forced me to resist But now I wish I had effused a love mist With aplomb and flair, just kind of left it there For self-aware souls passing by, who choose to pair" Affinity grasps me, I feel connected To people and places But fear stops me, fear of shame To have misunderstood What if I share and it falls flat? This is why I struggle with the polite and nice I don't know where I am with that Plus I'd run out of energy I am after all just a force that lets myself down Reciprocal loops of energy feeding energy I buy into that, I want to Declare to people that I like them Tell them they are my kind But I'm too often the baby bird that fell That can no longer be nurtured Not because I've forgotten But because I've remembered too much And all the not wantedness floods me Until I feel I should send everyone away Just in case they feel sorry for me Pity isn't being wanted I'm scared of all the things That appear to be caring but aren't really If they are not then I become full of shame Because I don't need help I just need filling up with genuine affinity But I'll spoil the best of things Fear rejection so badly I'd rather drop off the earth It's like a signal sent out is my life line But then it's not and I'm fine Can't recall what went wrong I've no foundation within me Unweighted on an unsteady plain Instead of being weighed down I should have just took off Felt the freedom of the sky But I compare too much Think others have the key Their doors aren't my doors I'll return to the same chair in the same place Hoping that way I'll find myself Perhaps I'm somewhere I've never trodden Or maybe my way to me is barred now I know what I like I think It's being understood Probably nothing different than anyone else I should ask them Make sense of it (One day)