I WANT SOME EXCELLENT 'SEX'

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I WANT SOME EXCELLENT 'SEX'

She breezed into the hardware store in a cloud of Chanel No. 5. With her coiffured hair and upper-class accent she was not the usual type of customer that we were accustomed to.

“Can I help you madam” I asked

“I want some sex” she replied 

I was somewhat taken aback 

I’m sorry madam, I said, but this is not the type of establishment that provides ‘sex’

“My neighbour says I can get excellent sex here” she retorted “and I want sex right now!” She exclaimed

At this stage I was feeling a little uncomfortable but I had to remember that the customer is always right

The owner’s son mends sewing machines I told her, and he gives them a good service and oils their squeaking parts, but I don't think  ‘sex’ is  part of his usual service

"NO! NO! NO!" you stupid girl she spat

"I want good strong ‘sex’, you know the thing …black plastic sex to put my garden rubbish in"

It was then that the penny finally dropped and blushing scarlet I lead her to the area where the black rubbish sacks were kept.

Total fiction write!

07-10-17

Copyright © | Year Posted 2017

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Date: 10/11/2017 1:51:00 AM
Good topic, good poem. Keep 'em coming......:)
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/11/2017 2:57:00 AM
Thanks Richard just a fun poem:-) hugs jan xx
Date: 10/9/2017 4:04:00 AM
This reminds me of the old joke about the somewhat prim and ‘refained’ residents of Edinburgh Morningside - where ‘sex’ is ‘what they put the coal in’
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/9/2017 6:29:00 AM
I'd not heard that one lol - its amazing how dialects can alter a word we know - my sister worked for a very posh family and they used to call her little runaround car a 'fart' but it was a fiat! lol:-0 hugs Jan xx
Date: 10/8/2017 7:49:00 PM
Wow! A fantastic and witty write Jan. Your title caught my eye (wonder what's on my mind lol!) and you had me all the way. Great ending, thanks for the big smile :D
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/9/2017 6:31:00 AM
I deliberately used the title to pull the reader in Susan. I think a catchy title is just as important as the actual body of the poem:-) hugs jan xx
Date: 10/8/2017 2:53:00 PM
Nothing like a load of good strong sacks I always say Jan.
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/8/2017 3:11:00 PM
lol it gives in the sack a whole new meaning jean lol:-0 hugs jan xx
Date: 10/8/2017 9:06:00 AM
I so enjoyed this today, Jan. a great and funny diversion form the issues of the day !! Happy Sunday!
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/8/2017 11:54:00 AM
If I can make someone forget their troubles for a while and make them smile that is fantastic mike:-) hugs Jan xx
Date: 10/8/2017 6:10:00 AM
You have surely captivated me with this wondrous write my friend, and the ending was astoundingly hilarious! I loved the way you kept my attention throughout your narrative and enlightened me in the process! What a funny piece, such a back breaker...ouch! Great Work!!
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/8/2017 11:54:00 AM
Hey no more broken backs Russell! :-) hugs Jan xx
Date: 10/8/2017 2:19:00 AM
I LOVE THIS!!! You got me with the title...and kept me till the end. ;) Oh, Jan...Thank you for being YOU.
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/8/2017 12:00:00 PM
I couldn't resist the title to grab the reader's attention and it seems to have worked:-) hugs Jan xx
Date: 10/8/2017 1:52:00 AM
Lol...Jan, you kill me! Great sense of humor, my friend. :D
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/8/2017 12:04:00 PM
Glad you enjoyed carole:-) hugs Jan xx
Date: 10/7/2017 8:19:00 PM
very clever, jan! i enjoyed...
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/8/2017 12:07:00 PM
I was worried that the humour would be lost lol I needn't have been concerned:-) hugs Jan xx
Date: 10/7/2017 8:08:00 PM
haha...You are funny Jan...Nicely done..
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/8/2017 12:08:00 PM
Glad I made you smile jospeh:-) hugs Jan xx
Date: 10/7/2017 7:54:00 PM
4 Candles Jan 50 shades of bin bags Loved it Funny
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/8/2017 11:58:00 AM
I love the fork handles sketch lol heel heel thanks for the comment christopher:-) hugs Jan xx
Date: 10/7/2017 7:48:00 PM
Sometimes we make mistakes! Enjoyable short fiction piece here! Peace & Love Matthew Anish
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/8/2017 11:57:00 AM
Thank you Matthew:-) hugs Jan xx
Date: 10/7/2017 4:07:00 PM
Story of my life, I want sex and all I get is a bunch of rubbish sacks. :)
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/7/2017 4:18:00 PM
ha ha ha it gives 'in the sack' a whole new meaning lol:-) hugs jan xx
Date: 10/7/2017 4:00:00 PM
- On Norwegian I would have said: A huge roars ...(En diger brøler) ...(When you feel stupid and embarrassed) .. but I do not know if it's an expression in English :) - Well done, Jan :) - hugs //Anne-Lise :)
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/7/2017 4:17:00 PM
Thanks Anne-Lise:-) hugs Jan xx
Date: 10/7/2017 3:25:00 PM
What an ambiguity. lol! Thanks for sharing this poem.
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/7/2017 3:40:00 PM
Thanks Afolabi:-) hugs Jan xx
Date: 10/7/2017 11:31:00 AM
Reminds me of the TV series where he asked for four candles ,(fork handles) lol. Excellent Jan and fun to read....Seren
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/7/2017 12:27:00 PM
Oh Seren that is a classic sketch form The two Ronnie's and is one of my all time faves I have seen it so many times. I remember when they found the original script and it was on the antiques roadshow and it sold at auction in 2007 for £48,500. Glad I made you smile:-) hugs Jan xx
Date: 10/7/2017 10:04:00 AM
lol...I have some at my house if you ladies cant find any in your store.
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/9/2017 6:32:00 AM
Now there's an offer you can't refuse Tim!!!:-)
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JEAN MURRAY
Date: 10/8/2017 2:52:00 PM
I need some Tim.
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/7/2017 12:27:00 PM
ha ha ha love it Tim:-) hugs jan xx
Date: 10/7/2017 9:51:00 AM
Thank you for the laugh. Alas it is also painful because American words and English words plus English/Maltese words don't rhyme. It is my pain when it comes to writing verse.
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/7/2017 9:54:00 AM
I find many discrepancies in the way we pronounce words and its quite difficult when you write for a contest and even though the words rhyme to your ear they do not to the sponsors but i just pick up my pen and keep writing:-) hugs jan x
Date: 10/7/2017 9:32:00 AM
LOL! Oh how we often hear things wrong and thus humor steps in! :)
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/7/2017 9:36:00 AM
We were quite early to go into a heritage event this morning and I wrote this in the car whilst we were waiting lol:-) hugs Jan xx