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I Want Some Excellent 'sex'

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She breezed into the hardware store in a cloud of Chanel No. 5. With her coiffured hair and upper-class accent she was not the usual type of customer that we were accustomed to. “Can I help you madam” I asked “I want some sex” she replied I was somewhat taken aback I’m sorry madam, I said, but this is not the type of establishment that provides ‘sex’ “My neighbour says I can get excellent sex here” she retorted “and I want sex right now!” She exclaimed At this stage I was feeling a little uncomfortable but I had to remember that the customer is always right The owner’s son mends sewing machines I told her, and he gives them a good service and oils their squeaking parts, but I don't think ‘sex’ is part of his usual service "NO! NO! NO!" you stupid girl she spat "I want good strong ‘sex’, you know the thing …black plastic sex to put my garden rubbish in" It was then that the penny finally dropped and blushing scarlet I lead her to the area where the black rubbish sacks were kept. Total fiction write! N/A in Premier Contest No 15 Sponsored by Skat A - judged on 1/29/18 Submitted to January stunner 2018 Sponsored by Line Gautheir 07-10-17

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Maureen McGreavy The Insolent Rib

Date: 3/21/2018 10:51:00 PM

Hilarious! Awesome win funny lady :) hugs! xomo

Jan Allison
Date: 3/22/2018 5:20:00 AM

Glad it made you smile Maureen:-) hugs jan xx

Subimal Sinha-Roy

Date: 3/21/2018 12:13:00 AM

Congratulations, Jan on your win. What a funny poem.

Jan Allison
Date: 3/21/2018 4:32:00 AM

Thanks Subimal:-) hugs Jan xx

Sandra Haight

Date: 3/19/2018 3:09:00 PM

Ha Ha...too funny, and so cleverly written, Jan! Much enjoyed and congrats on your win! Hugs, Sandra

Jan Allison
Date: 3/19/2018 3:17:00 PM

Thanks Sandra I had such fun writing this AND I used to work in a hardware store so there is an element of truth especially about the sewing machine services lol:-) hugs jan xx

Mick Talbot

Date: 3/19/2018 9:17:00 AM

Uo, it hurts, my belly from laughing... hugs Mick

Jan Allison
Date: 3/19/2018 2:34:00 PM

Glad i made you smile Mick, it means I'm doing a good job:-) hugs Jan xx

Kai Michael Neumann

Date: 3/18/2018 10:17:00 AM

That is so funny. Wonderful. And actually, since a friend of mine just died, I needed a good heart laugh. Thanks, Kai

Jan Allison
Date: 3/18/2018 10:42:00 AM

Glad i made you smile Kai and I'm so sorry for your loss, if you need a good belly laugh then head for the collaboration I posted yesterday I had tears of laughter when we were writing it:-) hugs jan xx

Gregory Richard Barden

Date: 3/18/2018 2:59:00 AM

Heartfelt congratulations on your well-deserved win, Jan - blessings and best wishes to you, friend! :-)

Jan Allison
Date: 3/18/2018 5:53:00 AM

Thanks Greg:-) hugs jan xx

Kim Rodrigues

Date: 3/18/2018 12:15:00 AM

Congrats! This one I remember as hilarious! I could see a comedian performing it and so there is ;)

Jan Allison
Date: 3/18/2018 5:52:00 AM

That would be a dream come true Kim:-) hugs jan xx

Eve Roper

Date: 3/17/2018 7:30:00 PM

Jan,very well done :) and enjoyed reading.. Congratulations on your win! Hugs ~`*

Jan Allison
Date: 3/18/2018 5:52:00 AM

Thanks Eve:-) hugs Jan xx

Tom Cunningham

Date: 3/17/2018 5:44:00 PM

Loved this one, a well deserved win Jan. Tom

Tom Cunningham
Date: 3/18/2018 7:16:00 AM

Wow I remember that one , when he wanted fork handles, used to love their shows

Jan Allison
Date: 3/18/2018 5:52:00 AM

Thanks Tom, I can imagine its the type of thing the Two Ronnies would have done lol Their four Candles sketch is still one of my all time favourites:-0 hugs Jan xx

Paul Callus

Date: 3/17/2018 2:52:00 PM

Haha...this is good fun, Jan:) Stupid me, took me a while to catch on! Congrats on your fine win. Hugs // paul

Jan Allison
Date: 3/17/2018 7:41:00 PM

Thanks Paul the upper class accents can make great fodder for poems - true story my sister used to nanny for a very affluent family the car they had for her was a Fiat but they used to call it a 'fart' lol. For some reason it put me off ever owning one .. i can't think why lol lol lol:-) hugs jan xx

Jean Murray

Date: 3/17/2018 2:30:00 PM

Good one Jan! I remember shopping in Omagh once and having to say "Do you take punts?" over and over again. Chanel No.5 is my signature scent since 1982.

Jean Murray
Date: 3/18/2018 4:21:00 PM

Cat's piss you say?? Damn it!! That must be where I am going wrong on the dating scene Jan!

Jan Allison
Date: 3/17/2018 7:38:00 PM

lol Jean, I can't wear Chanel No 5, it smells like cats piddle on me lol - I doubt i'd have been able to buy it without thinking of you and your 'punts' lol so funny:-) hugs jan xx

Anne-Lise Andresen

Date: 3/17/2018 1:46:00 PM

- Congratulations on your winning poem Jan, a pleasure to read again :) - Happy weekend :) - hugs // Anne-Lise :)

Jan Allison
Date: 3/17/2018 7:31:00 PM

thanks Anne Lise:-) hugs jan xx

Line Gauthier

Date: 3/17/2018 9:24:00 AM

Your humour and style and delightful. Well done, Jan. Congrats.

Jan Allison
Date: 3/17/2018 7:31:00 PM

Thanks so much Line, i wasn't sure if my humour would be appreciated - i used to work in a hardware shop but the poem is basically from my imagination lol:-) hugs jan xx

Ricky Muse

Date: 10/11/2017 1:51:00 AM

Good topic, good poem. Keep 'em coming......:)

Jan Allison
Date: 10/11/2017 2:57:00 AM

Thanks Richard just a fun poem:-) hugs jan xx

Geoffrey Brewer

Date: 10/9/2017 4:04:00 AM

This reminds me of the old joke about the somewhat prim and ‘refained’ residents of Edinburgh Morningside - where ‘sex’ is ‘what they put the coal in’

Jan Allison
Date: 10/9/2017 6:29:00 AM

I'd not heard that one lol - its amazing how dialects can alter a word we know - my sister worked for a very posh family and they used to call her little runaround car a 'fart' but it was a fiat! lol:-0 hugs Jan xx

Susan Ashley

Date: 10/8/2017 7:49:00 PM

Wow! A fantastic and witty write Jan. Your title caught my eye (wonder what's on my mind lol!) and you had me all the way. Great ending, thanks for the big smile :D

Jan Allison
Date: 10/9/2017 6:31:00 AM

I deliberately used the title to pull the reader in Susan. I think a catchy title is just as important as the actual body of the poem:-) hugs jan xx

Jean Murray

Date: 10/8/2017 2:53:00 PM

Nothing like a load of good strong sacks I always say Jan.

Jan Allison
Date: 10/8/2017 3:11:00 PM

lol it gives in the sack a whole new meaning jean lol:-0 hugs jan xx

Mike Gentile

Date: 10/8/2017 9:06:00 AM

I so enjoyed this today, Jan. a great and funny diversion form the issues of the day !! Happy Sunday!

Jan Allison
Date: 10/8/2017 11:54:00 AM

If I can make someone forget their troubles for a while and make them smile that is fantastic mike:-) hugs Jan xx

Russell Sivey

Date: 10/8/2017 6:10:00 AM

You have surely captivated me with this wondrous write my friend, and the ending was astoundingly hilarious! I loved the way you kept my attention throughout your narrative and enlightened me in the process! What a funny piece, such a back breaker...ouch! Great Work!!

Jan Allison
Date: 10/8/2017 11:54:00 AM

Hey no more broken backs Russell! :-) hugs Jan xx