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I should have meant enough or you should never have taken my heart

I loved you. Quite simply put, I loved you. If you were blind to the weight and need of it, that simply put, was your willingness to ignore the inconvenient. You were honest in your expectations, as honest to yourself as I lied to mine own self. That I could hold for just a moment what my soul breathed for, and be content with feeble aims of mutual "energies"... I craved the directness of your gaze, the honesty of your self. The sense of your taste, smell, touch, haunted me to exhaustion. Though perhaps there is truth to your explanations. If I had loved more of you than the void you filled, -perhaps I would too have loved the manner in which you assumed I only needed one part of you, just the part for the role you thought I needed you to play. -Perhaps I would have accepted being the "safe one" ... That part, where I wasn't important enough to be dangerous, I would have loved that proud and dismissive part too. It is no matter now. I can not keep loving where my heart is discarded. Pain creates distance, a space in which to lick your wounds. You see, I too need a safe zone. Only for me, I need an area free to give over the entirety of myself. Not an area in which I am free to with hold part of myself. If only one of your other friends made you feel safe. If some one else made you feel free to play with words of affection, while withholding the truth of your actions. If I had been important, you would have feared the weight of my love. God, you stood in tears as I wept, as I glorified the body I worshipped expressed the sacredness of my altar, and then you walked away. Gave away my temple to a heathen. To a man who would discard you, exchange you. You valued so little the object of my love you hand delivered everything I desired to the executioner. No matter, hearts heal. You were honest at the beginning. It was I who lied. It was I who pretended it would be more than it could be. It was I who convinced herself it was more than it ever was. It was I who ignored the truth of your words to hear her own desires. Just do not lie to your self, that you were ever just filling a void. I may have convinced myself to believe inaccuracies, about the completeness of the situation, but you were never to me what you told yourself you were. If I allow you to give platitudes, I excuse your actions. I lie to myself about the pain you saw, and ignored, I pretend you never hurt me with eyes open, - without that pain I will convince myself to ignore the truth of your whole nature, -and I will never stop loving you. I can not love the cruelty you have shown, to dismiss what I so willingly gave. I can learn to stop loving you as the truth of you grows clear. You did not dismiss me out your own insecurities, but more so because I did not endanger your heart. This is cruelty. I should have meant enough to scare even a bit of you or you should never have taken my heart.

Copyright © | Year Posted 2020




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