I saw God, but now what poetry contest

"Yes, I affirm, I have seen God But He appeared and then disappeared This knowing that transcends mind, left me awed But until what’s imbibed is assimilated, by fears I’m seared" He's omnipresent, my needs are met But by anguish I'm beset No explanation can I get So I blame myself and yet and yet Return again to church and pew Mind granted peace, it's what you do Welcomed back, just like you knew That I come home to seek rescue But I cannot rest, the flock aren't my kind As they judge with such a harsh closed mind When I come round, it's not peace I find But those hedging bets, in fear enshrined My faith I keep in my pocket to hold Not devoted enough, I am far too bold Though in our one sided chats I'm still consoled There's still time to return, back to the fold Taught not to question by school and church Living occurred, am I already besmirched Lost in unrest, painful and endless search My thoughts my undoing as they tangle and lurch Objectively I see I've done nothing wrong It's the man made rules distorting the song I know that I've known this all along But I question why I blame the throng I'm making up rules, creating salvation Mistaking lack of reply for just hesitation Religion isn't an idea I should entertain in flirtation It's playing with fire and eternal damnation Serving you disingenuously can't be right Motivated by fear and feeling contrite Helping others as 'most righteous' prize fight That surely wouldn't ensure my soul snow white I'm on some meandering path that's my own Nod to you but don't quite worship at your throne I admit I'm not good through and through to the bone You know the heart of me, it's that that I've shown My options are open but I consciously question Though definitely swayed by the power of suggestion These man made rules still give me indigestion The way clouded by judgemental congestion Self awareness tells me you know what I know I speak to you daily, restorative interflow The true self is judged not any false one on show So I'll ponder some more how I can make up what I owe