I never knew why

For what I know is poison, I drink anyway, Not the main character of my own story, Not the main character of anyone else's anyway. My happiness was a game you could always win, Through materialistic possessions, I only really sought validation. Validation was a sweet nectar I could never have enough of, A supplement of hope, To mask the self-doubt. Oversized hoodies and baggy jeans didn't hide my insecurities, The self-help reels I used to scroll through for hours didn't either. I was not a claw machine of emotions, I wish I was though, I was always good at games. I never knew why I lied, it was fun, like writing a story that you'd get to tell everyone. I lied cause my life was too boring and too simple to be liked or to be invested in. Weaving a story everyone believed was amusing. I used to imagine conversations before I had them, A coping mechanism for my very many slip-ups. I never knew why, I never will.