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They say I'm quite the expert
The best they've ever seen yet
So I'll tell you all my secrets
On the art of housebreaking pets

You'll need a lot of newspapers
To smack them on their noses
You can always tell when they have to pee
Cause they strike those familiar poses

Teach them how to scratch at the door
Each time that they have to go
You have to show them, you're the boss
It's the first thing they need to know

And when they have that accident
On your carpet with number two
Rub their nose in it, til they understand
That just isn't the thing to do

And it never fails, when they move in
They're always infested with fleas
And depending on how old they are
An occasional flatulence disease

You can teach them to fetch your slippers
For this is part of their duties
But don't ever let them touch your feet
For you'll surely end up with cooties

I think there's been a misunderstanding
For I don't own a pet at all
I wasn't talking about housebreaking pets
I was talking about my mother-in-law



No mother-in-laws were harmed in the writing of this poem

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