hastening angel

(A repost from 2019) My favorite aunt is dying.. cancer, quiet and consuming as a flame.. Seven short weeks ago she was easily doing an hour of step aerobics, unaware of this intruder, this murderer within. Now she's lifted from bed like a rag doll. She is my mom, well, a near twin—only smaller, funnier, serpent sly, more heavenly childish, sapient with sweet attractive grace and modest pride. I am in total awe of her. We're kindred spirits, two sillies among the dull and endlessly serious. I feel her, see her, day by day, slipping away like the hastening angel of heaven foretold. This is too big for me, too awful and too close. I am struck helpless, nothing moves, I sit, hardly feeling, and watch her sleep. Death's cruel process suddenly made visible. I silently rage at the loss of it—my loudest vehemence pointed to this ravenous, lurking enemy pursuing her inwardly like a swarm of deadly hornets accidentally composed. 40 and still stunningly beautiful, she lies surrounded by computers, iPads, phones, faxes, intercoms, notepads, friends and care-givers. Her life reduced to escaping pain and making arrangements for her soon to be orphaned children 4 and 6. Fentanyl and other pain blockers are her nourishment and seem to work better in the daylight as lawyers garner powers of attorney, bankers conjure trusts and estate planners build foundations to protect small children from a mothers loss. As if they could replace a single hug . . Songs for this (gospel): Order My Steps by The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir Angel by Sarah McLachlan Jesus Loves Me by Whitney Houston