Gossip On the Bus

‘Bout 8:15 this morning, on the bus that I was riding, I overheard a woman tell some gal it seemed she knew, Her pastor - reverend Bishop - and a “tacky looking woman” we’re spotted leaving Curly’s bar last night at half past two! “Of course,” the lady added, “Curly’s lot is poorly lit, and reverend Bishop, I would say, is average height and weight, So - maybe it was someone else. But if it actually was…I don’t think it looks too good, him bein’ out that late.” And then, some fella way in back, talkin’ to his friend - who - based on what he said - we all could tell was very old, Left the folks around him - that could hear him - sitting silent by gaining their attention with the story that he told. “As you know,” he started out, “I just turned ninety-six. I’m living in a nursing home. My body’s gone to hell. Yet ever since I got there I’ve been pestered left and right. I oughta write a book with all the stories I can tell. “Every gal I’ve met in there is very near my age, yet almost every one, despite her years, is fairly spry. And what they’ll do to turn my head is so darn stinkin’ weird, I swear sometimes it makes me laugh so hard I nearly cry. “You’d think by now they wouldn’t care ‘bout turnin’ heads like mine, but, man oh man, the crazy things those silly-fillies do. Every time the beauty parlor spiffs a new one up, they’ll scooter round the hallways…peakin’ in an’ pitchin’ woo! “Why, only just this morning, this old redhead wanders past…she’s all decked out in polka dots, her hair’s a mile high. “Howdy,” she says softly, “care to take a little stroll?” But I could see that there was more than ‘strolling’ in her eye! “Us fellas are outnumbered I’d say twenty five to one, and half the gals at least are searching hard to find a man. Almost every time I eat I wind up gettin’ hustled! An’ nothin’ scares me more than taking outings in the van. “Can’t go half a mile without some powdered up old hussy slippin’ in beside me when I’m tryin’ to sit alone. Don’t know what they see in me. My specs are one inch thick. I’m hard o’ hearin’, pret’ near bald…an’ down to skin and bone! “Still, they make their passes. Ask me, “Wanna catch a movie?” It’s like an endless nightmare. Can’t believe how hard they try. Just my luck - to never’ve had a bunch o’ horny women tryin’ to win me over ‘til I’m - dang near ‘bout to die!” Then, across the aisle, some gal, I’d say ‘round seventeen - figurin’ that the guy in back was all done makin’ noise - Starts a conversation with the girl she’s sittin’ by. The subject they selected to discuss? You guessed it…boys! “Guess who Daryl Jessup took to prom last Friday night,” the riders sitting fairly close would easily hear her say. “Who?” the other gal replied. To which the first responded, “‘member Jethro Clampett, and his sister, Elly May?” “‘Course I do,” her friend assured her, “stacked and blonde and stupid. Had a thing for pigs and goats!" "That’s who Daryl took?” “That’s correct,” the girl confirmed. “They both wore denim britches! Guess that lyin’ sack o’ poop prefers the ‘rustic look’. “I’ll bet her stinkin’ boobs are fake. I’m sure her hair is bleached. An’ rumor has it her an’ Jethro sometimes ‘got it on!’ To think I used to like that fool. Well…let me tell you this…any thoughts I ever had of dating Daryl are gone!” Just when these two girls had finished trashing Daryl and Elly, a gal parked right in front of me began to take her turn. Once again I sat and listened, totally amazed at --- when a person rides a bus --- the things they stand to learn! “Nadine Baxter’s pregnant for the second time this year,” the lady whispered softly to the gal that shared her seat. “What about it,” came her friend’s reply…“she must like kids, and, honey…gettin’ knocked up twice a year ain’t no big feat.” “I know it ain’t, but trouble is, she dropped her kid in April, and, Billy Bob, her husband’s, been at boot camp ever since! Depending on - when he gets home - how far along she is, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if things get pretty tense “‘Cause if she’s due in January, everything’s OK…but any time much later and it’s....‘Hit the road, Nadine!'” I think she’s in trouble, and I actually hope she is, ‘cause, Honey…Billy Bob’s the cutest guy I’ve ever seen. “And if she has been foolin’ around, five ‘ll get ya’ ten, it’s gotta be that guy she dated down in Silver Lake. I was always hopin’, when she fin’ly made her mind up, that he - with any luck at all - would be the one she’d take. “And I can guarantee you this, if Billy threw her out - and I could make him swear to me he’d never take her back - I’d dump Gordy quick as hell to get a chance at Bill. I’d chase him down an’ do my best at takin’ up the slack!” By now my ears were burning with the sleazy things I’d heard, and no place on the bus, I’m sad to say, was gossip free, So when, at last, we’d fin’ly reached the stop where I get off…no one else departing could have been as thrilled as me! PS: I've now got 4 new Audio-CDs - @ 4 1/2 hours each = (62 diversely varied pieces). They’re listed on EBAY - under - “Mark Stellinga Poetry” - or available by simply contacting me at -- mark@writerofbooks.com -- should those of you who enjoy listening to poems as well as reading them - and particularly those of you that travel - care to be so entertained. (We use safe and simple - PayPal) There are a bunch of my pieces on YouTube as well --- Cheers, Mark