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First Night, Detox

(Journal ~ February 11, 2005)


Lonely??
   The loneliness is beyond expression
     The most monstrous variety of regretful solitude imaginable
      THE moment, no thunder or lightning or crushing surf
     Just a heavy, drifting, silent snow in the night
   A hospital bed, my cell, but the prison inside ... terrifying
The frozen white fairies drift down through a triangle of street light

      And all I can do is count them ... minutes-to-hours, hours-to-days
   Paralyzed by the categorical certainty that I'm dying
 Though I know with every fiber that I'm NOT, anxiety says otherwise
Makes me FEEL otherwise, to the point of terror
 The arms of canvas jacket tied behind me matter not
   For I can not move so much as my gaze
      Focused on the hypnotic dance of flakes in lamp light

I've been here before, sadly, each time worse
   Praying for the glow of morning and the smidgen of hope it carries
     For the dream of this monster releasing its stranglehold
      But this is day one ... of countless others
     There is naught but the dark specter of it intensifying
   And the horrifying knowledge that this is only ...
The beginning.




~ 5th Place ~  in the "Going Deep Within An Emotion" Poetry Contest
Sheri Fresonke Harper, Judge & Sponsor.

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John Hamilton Date: 7/30/2019 10:47:00 AM A very heartbreaking story that is sadly true, we are all glad you're still here, congrats on a fine placement! Login to Reply Gregory Richard Barden Date: 7/30/2019 6:45:00 PM Maybe not all, John, but certainly the folks I care about and admire, of which you will always be a chart-topper. I'm so thankful for your understanding and friendship and encouragement, my friend - blessings always! :o)

Sheri Fresonke Harper Date: 7/27/2019 6:16:00 PM Congratulations on your 5th place win, Gregory in the contest. I loved the specifics you use in conveying the loneliness of the experience undergoing detox. Bravo Login to Reply Gregory Richard Barden Date: 7/30/2019 6:42:00 PM Thank you so very much for the kind words, Sheri, and for your lack of judgement, as there is so much misunderstanding when it comes to this demon. I am a medical professional, and most of my friends in rehab were of similar background - most people just don't realize the extent of the problem ... Gregory Richard Barden Date: 7/30/2019 6:42:00 PM (2) I hope these poems will, if nothing else, shed a bit of light on that, and on the reality that it IS survivable. Blessings, my friend! :o) <3

John Lawless Date: 6/7/2019 8:54:00 PM ...but it can be the beginning of the beginning of a new beginning.....nothing ike dancing with fairies that no one else can see... Login to Reply Gregory Richard Barden Date: 6/7/2019 9:32:00 PM (And those fairies kept me sane ... barely, lol) ;-) Gregory Richard Barden Date: 6/7/2019 9:24:00 PM Indeed, John, it was the beginning of an intense battle, but also the start of a new life for me, (literally, as my heart had stopped three times earlier that day), and I have not abused anything since. It is a daily battle, but I'm alive ... and beyond grateful to still be breathing fourteen years longer than anyone expected. Blessings, my friend! :-)