Feelings For My Father
"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older
they judge them; sometimes they forgive them." Quote by Oscar Wilde
When I was young, I know I loved my dad.
Mom says I even pulled a garden out
by yanking pretty flowers from their roots
because my father paid no mind to me
when I had waited patiently for him
to come back home from work, but all I know
is Mom says I was lying on the floor
and coloring when he walked over me,
which angered me, for he said not one word.
My mother left my dad when I was five.
He was a schizophrenic I’d then learned.
That man I idolized through infancy -
At least there was a reason for his ways.
But still I wrote him letters. Though he lived
so far away, four times he drove on out
to visit his four daughters, and those times
I yearned for him with such great excitement.
I still recall one time he visited.
He took us to a park and as I swang,
I yelled out, “Look and see how high I go.”
But he was simply staring into space.
Though with us, he was never really there!
This happened every time he visited:
the feeling he was there, yet really not.
He even took me back to Washington.
I got to know the relatives of his.
Unlike with mom, our conversations paled.
For real communication, how he lacked!
I did not like these feelings, yet down deep
I understood that things would never change.
I visited years later; sitting then
beside his bed as he was dying slow.
His wife was very good to him, but he
spoke down to her as if she mattered not.
I knew it was his illness, nothing more,
but still I judged him, for the things that went
unsaid. No conversation meaningful
was ever had. Did he even love me?
Then came his funeral. As I looked down
to see my father in his casket, tears
welled up inside my eyes. I thought how sad
that for his sickness, he could never be
the kind of dad that other girls I know
got spoiled by and made to feel important.
I cannot blame him for the trials that
God laid upon him. And I like to think
that when I die and see my dad again,
good times of quality at last we’ll share!
May 29, 2023
For Writing Challenge - C Quotes - Poetry Contest
Sponsor: Constance La France
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