Feeding the Parasites

I wept, my insides swelling Despising every fiber of my body… I focused on the glassed scenery before me Longing to be a bird…so I might fly so far away…. From the searing pains of my present The end to all of my hopeful dreams and fantasies I knew in my heart…I must return Back into the presence where these tears began I recalled many lonely nights without that presence I remember how empty I felt, how moist the pillow was As I rested my burning head through the misery of ‘what-if’ My body feeding the infestation on my bed… I let the critters bite me for so long…. Wishing they would eat me all away… And I wished, my hands pressed against the hot glass… That I had that bed again… Staring out that window, wishing…writhing Longing for a downpour as the sun beat mercilessly Fighting to hold the excreting despair A lonely hall I stood in…once so full of life… I now stood alone there…. Shaking in the buzz beyond me How long must I stand here? After all these years….that’s all he had to say? I didn’t care….today was the end….today was the very end…. My strength was gone…sucked dry…. Just as I allowed my tears to disappear….. I refused to cry no longer… Dry….dry faster….you mean nothing!!!! For the presence has made himself very clear In cold existence… though at distance… Warm…beautiful…true… It was his way….and I couldn’t change that Like so many others around, the one I loved…. Couldn’t even spare a fleeting look I had no one to blame but myself… Though a part of me begged me to believe he was different And no one questioned my solemn walk to the lone window So I cursed my body, my soul, and heart I cursed what I had trusted to make my mark I wanted to just…fade away… And though granted existence to this presence, Acknowledgement remained a strained formality A distant dream of something more… Walking briskly through that double door….. “I was impressed…” He had added, with no emotion. No conviction. And no love. Why do your eyes wander as you speak? Is this broken heart even worthy of your gaze? …..trust me….. I no longer live for your acceptance, you fleeting presence I no longer write to you…though often about you… No longer speak of the beauty I have once seen But there are still times when my eyes moisten, As I imagine where you once stood Imagining those sickening ‘what ifs’….feeding the parasites…. Imagining what could have been… What will never be again….